|Tribute to Al and his work on Jakked
From May-June of 2002 Al and the new guy Mark were the voices of the WWF/WWE show Jakked.....the following are a sample of reports from co webmaster Indigo recaps of the show
Hey all--Here's tonight's partial Jakked report--partial because I missed the first few minutes..Things happen, sorry, but here is where I came in:
Its Hardcore Holly vs. DDP (cool!), and Al is talking to the 'New Guy' announcer about Hulk Hogan..Al:'Let's face it--he IS in the twilight of his career..Triple H, there; for him this is a dream come true..He gets to face his idol; an icon that he grew up watching.' (Now remember, this is between calling the match..)
'New Guy' exclaims over Hardcore's dropkick, and re-iterates that Al has called it,'The best in the business'. Al:'Without a doubt. He gets it every single time. Right on the button. Not only does he get up high, but he puts it right in your face.' They talk more about the upcoming Hogan/HHH matchup, with Al saying that HHH is focused totally on the championship, not on how much he 'idolizes Hogan'.
New Guy brings up that Al and Maven have an upcoming Tag Match against Billy and Chucky (and their stylist, Rico!) at Backlash. Al:'Yes, I do, and we'll talk more about that later, Mark (New guy's name is MARK?)..'
Mark comments on Hardcore smiling in the ring and Al says, 'I know exactly what that's like, being in there with him..Numerous times..I'm sure you've had many experiences in the ring, Mark?' Mark replies, 'None whatsoever.' Al:'Are you sure?'
Mark kinda changes the subject and asks Al what Hardcore's chops to the chest were like and Al says, 'Hard enough to dial a phone. And I'm not talking the push-button kind, either.'
Mark talks about Jericho and Angle's 'Pact' for Backlash, and Al says, 'Wrestling makes strange bedfellows for ya--Who knows?, then,'Of COURSE Kurt Angle lived up to the pact. He's a true American hero, so he's gonna keep his word', then wondered if Jericho will live up to his.
DDP hits a superplex off the ropes, and Mark exclaims over it--and when Al says that it looked like it hurt Holly just as much as DDP. Mark breaks in and says that he was just about to say that, then Al breaks in, 'Well, I'm sorry, I talked right over ya, Mark!' (ahhaha!)
They start to hype the Undertaker's upcoming match, when Holly and DDP end up going over the ropes and out. Mark tells us this a bit dramatically, and Al scoffs at him, "'The two warriors go onto the mat?' Whatever." He continues, saying that Hardcore is a tough guy, and DDP 'has the funny pants on', but that doesn't make him 'a warrior'..A double count-out occurs but the 'two warriors' keep at it, prompting Al to say they should let them go, and have at it, haha..They hype their way to a commercial break.
They come back and talk about the Angle/Jericho match again, then off to Hogan and HHH last week..and show a video package of it all, taking us up to the next commercial break.
When they return, they promo 'The Scorpion King', and it's on to Chavo Vs. Kidman for the Cruiserweight championship. Cool. WCW flashbacks...They talk about the Kidman/Tajiri situation, and Marks says that Kidman just 'captured' the title. Al: 'What is he, 'The Great White Hunter'? He had to lay in wait so he could 'capture' the belt?', saying that he didn't have to capture the belt, he earned it. Mark brings up Tajiri's 'berating' of Torrie by making her wear the Geisha outfit, and asks what Al thinks of it, as he has been to Japan--Al says that,'It's about putting her in her place, letting her know that the man takes the lead..' and that that is the culture in Japan. Al says that Kidman did the right thing defending her, as, although he is no one to demean anyone's culture, we are in America, and 'Women don't cotton to that no more. Especially now, they take Aerobics..they'll beat ya up.'
Mark exclaims over Kidman going out of the ring and Al says, 'You gotta do what ya gotta do once you get in that ring..You know that..anyone wants to find out about all your experience can go to WWF.Com..'(Splat!)
They go on about the match, until Mark bring up Al and Maven's Backlash match again and Al says in a bit of a singsong manner..'I know..gonna take on Billy..and Chucky..and the stylist, Rico...and not just taking them on..taking them on for the WWF tag Team Titles.' He goes on about bringing Maven up to another level, and how Rico had to make 'some smart remark about Maven's eyebrows..' he is interruped by a hurricarana, and then continues, 'his eyebrows are kinda reminiscent of Groucho Marx'--then, 'it works for him--he can comb 'em back up over his head if he wants.'
Al talked about Chavo's family history and how he is dangerous in the ring, and they go on, and Al seems to be really enjoying the match, asking 'What is it gonna take to keep these guys down?' Then switches back to embarrassing Mark, saying that he 'would know' because of all his 'vast experience in the ring'...he keeps at it, until he gets a bit of it back, saying incredulously, 'I guess you were right! Boy, who woulda known..Here I thought you were just a commentator.' Mark: 'It was just an interview on WWF.COM!!!' (Am I missing something here?) Kidman takes the win, and they promo Stacey's 'Job Interview' to the commercial..
They come back, and show a package of the Vince/Stacey business, and Al asks, 'How could Vince even interview anyone else?', sounding shocked when he says, 'There was even a guy!'That brings up up to another commercial break, and Al tells us they will catch us up on Tough Enough 2 when they come back..
They come back, and it's on to the Tough Enough 2 package, and surprisingly, as it is shown, Al doesn't comment on it..and we arrive at another commercial break..
When they come back--it's Christian vs. Hugh Morrus..cool again..mark goes on about Edge and Angle's feud..Al: 'Kurt Angle can be kinda goofy' he's not really 'a hip kind of guy', but 'he does have two hips, and they were showing on Smackdown!..', hahaha...Al puts over the fact that Angle is an Olympic Champion, and Mark re-iterates that it was six years ago ('Get over it!'), to which Al replies, 'Hey. How can you get over being the best in the world? Being Number One in whatever you do? I don't care if it was TWENTY-six years ago, Kurt will always have achieved something nobody else has.' (My son marked out big-time to this, hahah..)
They go on about Christian's tantrums, and Al says he thinks they are not a ploy, that he actually throws temper tantrums and the one last week just happened to work out to his gain..and (back to the match at hand) that he has been in the ring with Hugh Morrus, and that you gotta watch him. Al then asks Mark again, if he knows how that (shoulder block by Morrus) feels, with all the time he has spent in the ring...Mark defends himself again, saying that it was just an interview, and (apparently) they showed him some moves and that now he has a better appreciation for what they all do in the ring..BETTER say that, boy; hahah..
They change the subject again, and talk about Tag Team competition..and Al brings it back around to promo his upcoming Backlash match (I have to get that!)..and then they review (in case we forgot) the other matches being fought that night, with Mark likening the Championship to the world Series in baseball..to which Al says, 'I've worked for twenty years, I'm like the Ray (Ray Somebody---help, Rosey!) of the WWF..I've got like, one more year to go..until I'm (something) of that record..' More hyping of upcoming matches, and Al says,'This sounds like it's gonna be one hot night!'
Mark mistakenly calls Christian 'Edge' when he kicks out and Al asks him if he is a 'Big fan of Edge', and when Marks says, 'Yeah', Al asks him if he has 'Pictures of Edge' (hahaha!)
Morrus slams the daylights out of Christian, prompting Al to say,'Being powerslammed by Hugh Morrus leaves a brown spot on the inside of your tights..D*mn!', oh my..Mark notes that Morrus is 'busted open', and Al asks, 'How'd that happen?'
When Christian gets frustrated, and the beginnings of a tantrum can be seen, Al says, 'Oh, noo..here it comes', then, once he is in full swing, says, 'I wanna get in there and diaper his behind...I wanna put a little powder on him..I wanna spank him', hahahha...Morrus hits a moonsault for the three, and takes us to another commercial break..
When they come back..it is non-stop promo of Backlash, and almost rudely, 'For Al Snow, I'm Mark Lloyd.' And out of there...that's it..And I'm out of here, too..
'Welcome to Jakked, People..We're gonna have a good time tonight!'-Al..and with that being said (Thanks for the opener, Al!), let's get to it...
First up was the Godfather vs. Val Venis, and the boys open up talking about the upcoming HHH vs. Hogan Undisputed Title match.
Al wonders if Hogan will have one more title run, and if HHH can 'put aside his idolization' of Hogan.
They show the footage of The Godfather 'dismantling his business', and The Big Whatever kissing one of the leftover girls. Al: 'What a gentleman.', and when the G-father clocks him for it, 'You usually spend good money like that, you're not gonna get just a knock in that head..'and when Marks comments that since 'the business' went out, they are two men with time on their hands..Al:'If the Godfather doesn't have any business, you're right---The Big Valboski DOES have some time on his hands, so to speak,'and wonders what 'the kids are callin' it these days', then comments on a 'painful Russian Leg Sweep'.
When Mark asks Al what he thinks Mr. McMahon's deal is with the HHH/Hogan match, Al had this to say: 'Mr. McMahon is always up to something; he's always got some plan underneath the plan, underneath another plan..He has so many levels to him; he's all about business, and he's all about the WWf', and that Vince will do whatever he has to do to stay 'in total control of not only the WWF, but also that unified title'. They go on to say that Vince is not only playing mind games with Hogan, but also with HHH.
On to Flair being the Special Guest Referee for the 'Taker/SCSA matchup..Al wonders if Flair can remain impartial after 'all the history' he has had with 'Taker...Al: 'When you beat up MY son, I don't care WHO you are..I don't know if I'm going to be able to put that ASIDE, Mark; and be able to 'impartially' referee a match..and just LET YOU WIN a Number One Contendership..' Then, when The Godfather pulls Val up by chin all pretzel-esque, Mark asks him how that feels--'to have your spine stretched like that'...Al: 'I would imagine probably it hurts, wouldn't you?'
And when Mark tries to suck up to Al by citing the fact that Al has been in the ring and he himself has not, Al says, 'You know what they say about ASSUMIN', Mark..'--and Marks plays into it, 'No, what do they say?', Al replies:'Would you like to find out HOW it feels?'...Mark says, um..H*ll, no.
Al goes on about the $5,000 fine that Flair imposed, and when (back to the match at hand) Mark remarks about The g-Father exposing the turnbuckle and having a smirk on his face, Al says, 'Thank you, Captain Obvious', saying that it is good that he is making a living from being a commentator..and says that he doesn't hink he has ever seen the G-Father 'this focused and this vicious' before. When Mark agrees, saying that The G-Father is a 'changed man', Al says, 'Women'll do that to ya.' Mark comments on the save by Val, and Al grumps, 'Thank you for THAT clue..'
Al reminds us that at Backlash ('from Kansas City') it will be the first time that the full roster will be on the show. Mark tells us that it will be his first PPV ever, and asks Al what he can expect live..Al tells him,'Well, no matter what we do'--he is then interrupted by the match, and says that that was what G-Father was 'shooting for this whole match', then, when G-Father leaves the ring and goes for the bell in a most Heel-escent fashion, Al laments, 'Oh great, now how are we gonna keep time--he took the bell.', hahaha..He goes on telling the referee that 'I think we need some order'--then when G-Father uses the 'ol foreign object--in this case, his cane--Al exclaims in mock horror, at first, then--'Hey, he got the victory, though. That's what matters.'
Before the first commercial break, they hype what is coming up on the show, and Al does a short rendition of the eerily Queen-like entrance theme of, 'Christian! Christian! Here, one-on-one action, coming up'..
Back from the break, they show a lengthy video package promoting the Main Event at this Sunday's Backlash..Thus bringing us to another break, before which, Al teases us with a little Tough Enough 2 footage, saying, 'Jackie got a little frisky' and wonders, 'But will she regret it?'
They return to show a fluff piece on the Rock learning to ride a camel for 'The Scorpion King', and after it is shown, Christian comes on for his matchup--against Funaki--and Marks says that Al has told him that he has ridden/driven a camel before himself--!--to which Al replies, 'Well, let me point out to ya there, Marky Mark, that uh..you can do a lot of things with a camel, but driving it, I don't think you could ever do..Now, I'm speaking from experience, because when WWF went to Kuwait, we went out into the desert..at a Bedouin camp, and I actually rode a camel!' Mark asks him if it was hard, to which Al replies, 'Hard? It was the most disgusting creature--and I'm not just talking about the Bedouins, either!'
Mark gushes on about the movie, and the Rock, and Al retorts, 'I'm sorry..I don't think I'm gonna go see it.', because he doesn't think that the Rock could ever measure up to Heyman in, 'Rollerball'..and since Heyman didn't garner an Oscar nomination for his performance, he has been on 'a sabbatical' from movies ever since...
Mark segues into a bit about Heyman being the manager of Brock Lesnar, and his role in the upcoming PPV..Al says that, 'Brock Lesnar's like a mutant, he's like the Incredible Hulk, but..'--then exclaims over Funaki's Mock-Christian fit--'Look at Funaki!'--Al continues that Lesnar is like the Incredible Hulk, '..but he's not green!'..Then, about Heyman's 'violation' of Lita's sacred thongs (possibly the lamest excuse for a feud to date)--Al: 'Hey. Let's not discuss Paul's personal hobbies or his pastimes, okay? Especially on this show, it's a PG show.'--then, 'It's not like we discuss yours!'
As Christian gets heat, 'And look at the crowd support for Christian..Boy, they really know how to get behind him, don't they?', then, 'I think he's gonna start writing his own book,'How to win friends and influence people''..Mark doubts it would be a best seller..
They then move into Edge's match with Angle, the confrontation with Vince, and Al wonders 'if the pact with Jericho don't come into play'..Al asks Mark if,'You love that great grammer I just used? 'Don't come into play'??', ahahah..
Al is 'totally impressed with the way Christian's holding his emotions together', since he walked away from the referee..Christian grabs Funaki's hair, and Mark says that you can't do that and Al says, 'Well, he IS..' Mark says that the ref should stop it, and Al says, 'Boy, Sherlock--you're right on the case, aren'tcha?', then, 'Elementary, Watson..'
Al says that Edge is 'playing with fire', as Angle is a former Olympian, a gold medalist, and that he could snap at any time..Then, when Funaki lands Christian with a bulldog, Al says that, people 'underestimate and undervalue Funaki' (right you are, Al), when they get in the ring, and that 'that is a big Big BIG mistake'. Mark brings the subject back to the PPV (Sit, UBU, sit...good dog.), and Al says, 'But a really BIG match, the Tag Title match..Me and Maven against Billy and Chucky..' Mark says that he 'has issues' with Al about that match, and that they will talk about it a bit later on..Funaki scores a near-fall, and Al wonders if 'Christian can pull his head out of his tights', saying that Christian will 'need a glass stomache with his head shoved so far up his rear end'..Mark laughingly agrees. He then says that he 'Hit him so hard, his nipples came through his shirt'...Christian finally gets the pin, and Al is impressed at how Christian held it together..Which brings us up to another break..
After they return, they air a video package chronicling the 'history' between Flair and 'Taker, and it's effect on the 'Taker/Austin match. This brings us to a promo featuring 'The Laughing Man', Hugh Morrus; and Lance Storm--in which Storm (Humorless bully that he is) 'slaps the smile off Morrus' face'--not once, but twice---and Al and Mark exclaim over each slap..That's right, their match is, 'Coming up NEXT!' Cut to commercial..
When they return..Al puts in a plug for the Livestream of the PPV available on WWF.Com--'Have your credit card ready to get a jump on the action!'
Lance Storm makes his entrance, and for the first time, I notice how funny he walks..Mark puts over the promo we just saw, and the slaps are now upgraded to three in his eyes..Al: 'Hey..and it picked up speed as it went along..I got to point out, you don't gotta slap me once to take the smile of my face whenever I watch Lance Storm..just seeing him come out to the ring is about enough', then, 'It's his charisma'..He then explains to Mark that 'That was sarcasm'..Then says sadly, 'You're always a beat behind, aren't you..'
Hugh comes out, and he is again smiling..They plug the Eddy/RVD match, and the Frogsplash 'Issue'..and Al says, 'The Five Star Frogsplash, to go kinda back historically', was brought into the wrestling world 'via' Eddy and his tag team partner down in Mexico, and they were 'kinda like' the innovators of that move, and that it 'rightfully belongs to Eddy', and that he is a big fan of his..The then move onto Al's upcoming Tag Team Championship match against Billy and Chucky and..Rico. Al says that 'pretty much Billy and Chucky have made the mistake, and so has Rico, 'their hair stylist (in a decidedly effeminate tone)'---Mark cuts in saying that Rico is their 'Image Consultant'--'at least that is what he told me', Al laughs, 'yeah, yeah', and goes on, 'That's like calling a Garbage Man a 'Sanitation Worker'--he's still dealing with garbage!'...They are interrupted by a crucifix by Morrus, and Morrus crushes Storm, and Al remarks that it is good that Storm is wearing black tights...
Storm lands a few chops on Morrus in the corner, and Al says, 'And he's SMILING..'--Morrus reverses, and Mark says that the chops he delivers to Storm 'Hurt HIM'---Al asks if he wants HIM to hurt him, and Mark tells Al to 'stay over there', hahah...
Back to Backlash..Al:'As I was saying..Rico and Billy and Chucky, and the 'Girls' Night Out'; they kinda wrote us off, you know..Maven, inexperienced..I haven't been around for awhile..I think that's a big mistake. Maven's a three-time Hardcore Champion; I, myself, was a three-time Hardcore Champion..I was also a European Champion..AND, I was WWF Tag Team Champion with Mick Foley..' Mark says all that is fine and dandy...but Mark wants to talk about last week's Six-Man Tag Team matchup..and Maven getting the win over Chucky..Al breaks in, 'And also Federeekki, no..Reeki, no..Ricky?' And the two of them begin calling, 'Ricky! Ricky!' A'La 'I Love Lucy', until Mark finally goes,'Rico..whatever..', and Al says, 'For RICO--for giving me the big spin kick at the end of the match..that'll all come into play Sunday at Backlash..' Mark says that he has to watch out for Rico, and Al says that, 'He's kinda like Madge, in the old Palmolive commercials'--and Mark asks him what the H*ll he is talking about, and Al says, 'Act like you don't know', and Mark just laughs..
Al reminds us all that there are other matches on the card that night, even though his is probably one of 'the Pre-eminent ones'..Al keeps getting interrupted, and says, 'I wish they'd quit wrestling, so I could talk about Backlash!'--hahahhaha...
They bring up the Women's Match and Al says, 'I'd love to see when Jazz is wrestling, the signs in the crowd that say that 'Jazz is my DAD'..and then, 'Plus, we'll get to see a hot chick in the ring..'
The onscreen action is non-stop, and Al says,'I got to tell ya, Mark; the matches on Jakked have been GREAT!'--and they say that it is because it is a part of the brand extension of Smackdown! Okay, gotcha..Al says that it is a good thing, otherwise he doesn't know how he could enjoy himself sitting out there with Mark..They bring up the Cruiserweight Championship, and the Torrie/Tajiri 'situation', which Al does not like--'not because of the way he's treating her, because of the way he's making her dress now'..and more about it being the culture in Japan..That 'That's they handle women..and who's to say they're wrong?' Mark vehemently says it IS wrong, everyone thinks it is wrong, and Al slyly asks him, 'You're not the boss in your house, are ya, Mark?' Al then says that he is not, either..that he 'Is not the Captain', he's 'Not even the First mate', hahaha..
When Mark guesses what is going to happen when Morrus hesitates too long going off the ropes, he says that he finally knows what he is doing..Al retorts: 'You know what you're doing? I'm the expert here', that he is the one who has been in the ring, not Mark--and goes on to chide him about that WWF article that I haven't read yet...They discuss the Single Leg Boston Crab that Storm has locked on Morrus a bit, and Al says that it is the same knee that Morrus has the brace on, and it is no accident that Storm has him in the hold, haha..Morrus makes it to the ropes to break the hold, and the match goes outside the ring until the bell sounds for a double countout..Storm continues on Morrus' knee, until Mark protests, prompting Al to remind him that 'It's a competiton, Mark', and that they are 'in the heat of battle'..bringing us to another commercial break..
When they come back, the 'Boot of the Week' is Al and Maven's win over Chucky, Billy and Rico..cool. Mark says that it must have felt good, and Al says,'As always, your keen awareness has taken you right to the obvious', and that THEY will be taking the belts at Backlash..and, 'Speaking of Maven', he brings up this past week's episode of Tough Enough 2, where, 'A little more than swapping spit was going on, if you know what I mean.' They run a re-cap of the show, and then plug this week's Smackdown!---Marks wonders what it wil bring after Backlash, and Al says that it will be a big celebration for the new Tag Team Titles!
They review the upcoming matches (in case we forgot), and Mark says it will be unbelieveable...Al says, 'Unbelieveable? I'm all a-quiver with excitement right NOW! I can't wait!' Mark takes us out in behalf of Al and himself, and that's my cue...that's my out...Fade to black, folks...
Hey, folks; long time, no Jakked Report..And with Al hosting the upcoming, 'Velocity' (catchy name, eh?) beginning May 25, who KNOWS how many of these we have left..
Al is in the house, hosting the show along with Marc Loyd, who opens the show by plugging the upcoming Undisputed Title match at the Judgement Day PPV--Al sort of follows along, motioning in a mime-like fashion, with everything Marc says..Then, 'I cannot wait; this is going to be one incredible match, I know I'm gonna be there--and you?' When Marc says, 'Of course I am!'--Al mocks him..
The first matchup is Kidman vs. Christian..when Christian makes his entrance, Al goes, 'Look at the pyro, look at that! I can't even get a sparkler; I can't even get someone to shine a flashlight on me!'
They segue into an 'earlier that night' promo between Tajiri and Christian, in which Tajiri calls Christian, 'Bakka' (Excuse my spelling on that one) for putting on the kimono meant for Torrie..Marc says that since Al has been in Japan, he should translate..Al: 'Well, 'bakka' means 'stupid'..and, ahh..' Marc laughs at the idea of Tajiri calling Christian that, and Al says,'..Yeah, but what really concerns me, he's not just 'bakka', he's kinda weird; wearing Torrie's kimono..' Marc goes on about Torrie shedding her kimono, and how good she looked when she stripped, and Al agrees they should show it, saying, 'Please, and could we do it, like, in slow-motion? I just want to sit there and go (makes a bizarre 'macho' noise that is impossible to spell, sorry..)', then Marc adds that he is so glad Torrie got rid of the geisha act, the subservient thing, and Al replies, 'I don't think, Marc; that anybody, any red-blooded male out there in America is gonna really care about the subservience thing..We all know the truth, we know women run the world, okay? (Remember you said that, Al..I will..) I'm married, you're married, let's not lie to ourselves anymore, we're not the bosses of our house..BUT, we're not concerned so much about that as the fact that she TOOK THAT OFF..and what she had on underneath--or what LITTLE she had on underneath..and if you've went through puberty, most importantly--and Marc, we realize that you probably haven't'--Marc goes, 'Oh, come on!'--Al continues: 'If you have, you need to stay tuned to see what she had..or basically..(makes another unintelligible male noise)'
Marc goes on to promo the upcoming 'H*ll In A Cell' match, and when Al starts to say that he has been in a few 'H*ll, etc.' matches--asks Al about the infamous 'Kennel From H*ll' match..Al replies, 'Hey, look. Please. Stop. We don't even need to go there..We don't really need to discuss the 'Kennel From H*ll' match, because it WAS 'from H*ll'..and it was H*ll on the fans who had to watch it.'
Marc says that Al has been in enough of those type matches, and asks what they are like..Al responds, 'Well, it's a totally different feeling from just being in the ring, because you realize you CAN'T walk out at any time, you CAN'T just leave and get through the ropes, because there's a cage; there's a solid steel wall between you..' They are interrupted by the match, then, on to Ric Flair's 'turning on Austin' this past week..
On that score, Al says, 'What do you mean, 'What's going on with Flair'? Flair has always said that he's the dirtiest player in the game, he goes where he needs to go, to get success; Flair is following his basic precept that he has always done throughout his entire career, and it's all about Flair..It's bad enough Stone cold Steve Austin has to face Ric Flair, but he also has to face Big Show, too..'
Marc comments that a fan had sign wishing Kidman a 'Happy Birthday', and Al says dryly, 'Thank God he's not out here in his birthday suit..', then, 'But TORRIE..she could be in her birthday suit..'
Marc says that this is gonna be one of the most highly anticipated Judgement Days..Al retorts, 'Without a doubt. We've already established that YOU'RE gonna be there..'
They are interrupted by the match again, when Christian crotches Kidman on the ropes, 'in the lower region', as Marc puts it..To which Al scoffs, 'In the lower region..yeah..' Marc: 'Let's put it nicely' Al: 'Yes.'
Christian 'stops himself' from having a 'tantrum', then hits Kidman a low-blow, and the two exclaim rather dramically over the unfairness of it all, and then Christian is disqualified..shame on that Christian..
After Christian finally throws his required 'tantrum', they speak of what's to come..then off to the first commercial break.
After the break, the guys review the Vince/HHH confrontation..Vince's eyes bug, HHH verbally splats him..gets massacred for it..you all remember..The boys then speak solemnly about HHH being put into a match against 'Vince's Spiritual Advisor'and..freakin' Leviathan!..er, Deacon What-his-name...and on into the Tag Team action with Hogan/Edge and Jericho/Angle, where HHH wreaks his revenge with a friendly sledgehammer..Oh, the carnage..
When the video dust settles a bit, Al comes on to say that 'they don't call it 'H*ll In A Cell' for nothin'..it's one of the most dangerous matches..', and re: Hogan vs. Taker--'I can't wait to see this one.' They then hype their way to another commercial break..
When they return, they show a nifty 'lil Tough Enough 2 seasonal re-cap, teasing us with an upcoming visit from Regal (should be interesting..). As the Godfather's tacky music hits, Marc says,'BOY, did I miss Tough Enough 2 last week..' (Yeah, so did I, Marc..), and tells us that Tough Enough 3 'is a GO, Al!', to which Al says, 'I cannot hardly wait (does this mean that he will be the star trainer again? Do tell..), I'm so excited, I really am..I LOVE doing Tough Enough, and we're coming down to the wire'..and says that they were on a 'little hiatus' but that, 'There's another episode from South Africa, very interesting stuff.' Marc says that someone will be cut, and Al says that the live show will be on May 30th, where the winners will be announced..Al encourages people 'if they have a dream to do this, if they have the guts--they gotta get the glory', and to send in a tape.
As Faarooq hits the ramp, Marc calls him, 'A bad, bad man..', and Al says, 'You're only sayin' that 'cos you're afraid of him..', to which Marc readily agrees..Marc says that the Godfather is not a popular guy, and Al disagrees: 'He has changed..for the better, he's become so much more focused', then, when Marc laments the G-father using his cane on his opponents: 'The guy gets the job done.'
In a segue from the cane, Marc goes on about HHH using that aforementioned sledgehammer, and Al says that Vince pushed HHH 'a little too far', and that, 'he snapped, he cracked, he went out there and he struck anything that had two feet and was standing erect..' (!), then, on the subject of McMahon's 'henchmen', ' Of course. If I were Mr. McMahon, I wouldn't have gone out there by myself; he is the boss, and he is a millionaire, you know he can afford to pay these guys..' They exclaim over the match at hand, then go on to HHH being 'forced' to have his matches after being 'beat up' by the 'henchmen', whereupon Marc says that HHH should have had medical attention instead..Al: 'Now why EXACTLY should he have been in a medical facility?'..Marc replies that he had had 'the living daylights' beat out of him, to which Al retorts: '..HHH, he knows what it's like to be a sports entertainer. He knows what it is like to be a WWE superstar. He knows the sacrifices that are made..And he knows what he's got to do, and he had to do what he had to do..and that was to be in that ring, and to stand up to Vince McMahon.'
Then, on the D-Von match again, Al: 'Where did D-Von find this 'Deacon Batista'?' (OVW, AL, haha..), then, when Marc comments on Deacon 'guarding' the collection box, he jabs,'Ruins YOUR plans for earnin' a little extra lunch money, doesn't it?'
Marc comments on the G-father's lack of response from the crowd, saying that they are 'no longer his friends' for 'shutting down the escort service', and Al says, 'I would be upset at him, too, for shutting down the escort business..Now YOU; you gotta go out and try and charm a woman..' Marc moves on to the Jericho match, and Al calls him, 'Almost foolishly cocky'..They are interrupted by the G-Father crotching himself, and Al says, 'Wow..he got the 'O' face..' Back to the Jericho match, Marc says that Jericho must have something up his sleeve..Al says that the last time he noticed, Jericho didn't wear a shirt in the ring, so 'He must have something up his...', and left it at that..use your imagination, folks..Marc voices his distaste, haha..and Al says that he meant something in his tights..uh huh..
The G-Father loses his match, and begins using his cane on Faarooq..Marc goes off almost campily, having a fit, and Al plays Devil's Advocate again, saying, 'He lost the match, but he didn't lose the war..' Taking us to another commercial break..
When they return, they go into the Torrie 'Liberation Incident'(AKA 'The Strip Show'), and when Marc says that 'we would find out' just 'how much she could take'..Al agrees in a most Beavis and Butthead-like fashion, with a gutteral chuckling of,'Yeah..We would'..Launching them into video footage of the incident..and on into another barrage of commercials.
When they come back, they show more footage of the Rock filming, 'The Scorpion King', showing us that he did his own stunts..great. Fabulous. Marc then plugs, 'Broken' by 12 Stones..and it's on to the next matchup..
As Albert makes his way down the ramp, Marc says that Torrie looked 'outstanding'. Al is strangely silent for a moment, then, 'Marc, my heart can't take stuff like that..I only go home one day a week!' Marc says that is too much information..and Al makes yet another un-typeable noise, this one sort of sounding like a ghost..
'The Big Valbowski' is next to come out, and Marc moves on to talk about the crushing of 'Taker's bike by Hogan..Al says,'What was the man thinking? I mean, I'm not a big fan of Undertaker, I'll say that right upfront; but it brought a tear to my eye, to watch a beautiful piece of machinery like that being crushed!', then something about Hogan having no heart or soul..He says that it is bad enough that the Undisputed Title is on the line, 'all the marbles', so to speak; but to push the Undertaker even further..the match goes on, and Marc says something about Albert's head being shaved, and Al says it is 'the only place on his body that is NOT shaved'..(?? Is he really bald?? I don't get that..)
Marc segues this into a comment on the Edge/Angle 'Hair vs. Hair' match coming up at the PPV, and Al says, 'I KNOW..I don't even care who wins that one, I just want to see either one of them..'..In regards to Edge: 'Think about it..It's like Samson and Delilah for Edge, that hair is his power--I watch him, you know..He pulls that out of the ponytail, kinda shakes it free, and all the chicks kinda go, 'OOOO, Edge..'', hahah...Then, back to the match at hand, 'It's amazing to watch whenever Albert's in the ring, it's like the Discovery Channel..'cos you see him and it's like a documentary on the North American Grizzly..'
Marc goes on about Hogan saying, 'What's wrong with being bald..bald is beautiful, there's been plenty of bald champions', and Al agrees, naming a few: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ivan Koloff, Superstar Billy Graham--and then goes on to scoff at the 'techical expertise' of the 'just punching him in the head' by The Big V..then goes on to add that, they 'even have a bald referee, Teddy Long', haha...
When Albert shows his displeasure at the ref's call, Al quips,'This is like one of those wilderness stories,in like, 'Field and Stream' or something, where the guy takes on a bear single-handledly!'..Marc laughs..Then Marc says, 'The bear, of course, being Albert'--Al agrees, 'Like there was any doubt..Thank you, Captain Obvious..'
The Big V pulls a Sunset Flip, winning the match, and selling like a madman, and the boys express their disbelief, bringing us to another commercial break.
After the break, they show the 'Slap' (I think) of the Week--and it's the Angle/Edge Bald-a-thon..Then it's on to Chavo, Jr., making his way (I love this guy!) down the ramp, and Al says, 'My training partner from Tough Enough 2, he's been on FIRE since he left that show; he's really reaffirmed his passion for this business..', then, when Marc says that Al's 'favorite music is playing', Al laughs rather unguardedly (!) while saying, ' I LOVE this music!' then, 'I'm really starting to get upset; he's got cool music, Christian's got cool pyro..I've got, like, you know, old music, and can't even get sparklers or a flashlight!'
Funaki makes his way to the ring, and Marc says, 'speaking of cruiserweights'..and goes on to mention the 'Hurri-Note'..Al laughs again, and says, 'The Hurri-note? From a possible Hurri-fan? After he had a Hurri-match? Can we use another Hurri-WORD?'(Marc is laughing, and so was I) Then, 'Well, I was just dropping by the Hurri-Cane, back in the Hurri-Lockeroom, you know, just checking out about Torrie, 'cos he was out there, actually seeing her..also, because we're both big fans of comic books, you know..What a SHOCK that he is..and I just wanted to see if he had seen the Spiderman Movie..He took a little offense to it, you know, that I said that Spiderman is a cool superhero..Telling me that he was gonna wrestle him..I don't know if Hurricane realizes that Spiderman is a FICTIONAL character..'
Chavo fakes a handshake to Funaki, and Al says that 'You always gotta keep on your toes when you're in the ring..', and goes on to say that this is where 'Funaki really shines', that he was an incredible Cruiserweight champion, and they go on to plug the Cruiserweight Division a bit (as well they should)..Segueing that into a plug for the RVD/Guererro match coming up, and Al calls Eddie a 'consumate professional', and then says something about Chavo 'walking into something in the back and wiping it off on people's faces in the ring..'..then, saying that Eddie 'floats' when he is in the ring and that 'RVD is gonna have his hands full' with him. (Chavo was tearin' it UP by the way..) Al says that the 'Frogsplash' belongs to Eddie, as he and his deceased partner originated the move..Chavo cleans HOUSE, winning the match, and that brings us to another break, and Marc (warns) tells us that there will be 'More on Judgement Day!' to come..
When they come back, as promised, they plug the upcoming PPV---re: Edge vs Angle, Al says, 'I'm SO looking forward to this; Kurt looking like a two-legged thumb (!), or Edge looking like a human Ohio Bluetip Match!' (I ROLLED over this..), then, re: Stone Cold's matchup, 'Ric Flair, the dirtiest player in the game--Big Show, the BIGGEST!', then, re: the 'H*ll, etc' match--saying that it is the most dangerous, and that 'that's why it's been two years since one's been held!'..Then going on about the Undisputed Title again, saying that it is not just about the title, but 'about Revenge!'..
Marc takes us out again, for Al..See you next week...That's it..
Hey all, and welcome to this week's (and quite possibly the last EVER) Jakked report..
Marc welcomes us all to the show, as Test comes out for his match. He comments that the PPV is 'shaping up to be just tremendous' at only 24 hours away, and asks Al what he thinks. Al says, 'Wow..What a descriptive word! You are on fire already..we have just started the show, and you are off to a roll, Marc! Man!' Then, 'You got me excited.'
Christian comes out, and Al again laments his own entrance: '..Cool pyro. Something I don't get..' and again wishes for 'a sparkler'..
Marc tells us that the match coming on is a Tag Team match--Test/Christian against what he calls, 'the All-Strength Team' of Mark Henry/Faarooq. Al says, 'Yeah. I think 'All-Strength Team is the RIGHT word there. That's pretty obvious.' Faarooq makes his way to the ring, and Marc goes on about the Triple Main Event coming up at the PPV, and in regards to the 'H*ll in a Cell' match, Al agrees: 'Right. and it's gotta be one of the most dangerous matches; definitely career-ending, in all of Sports Entertainment.'
Mark Henry makes his entrance, and Marc thinks that it would be great to be the 'World's Best' at something, and Al retorts, 'I'm sure you do dream about being the World's Best at something...Anything..'World's Best, like..Quilter'...'World's Best, like..Spelling Bee'..'
Marc says that Christian and Test are two of Mark Henry's 'doubters' in regards to being 'The World's Strongest Man', and Al says,'You know he was tellin' me a story back in the locker room, about how he thought he'd become so strong..was when he was a kid, he had to take the trash down to the street--you remember those old metal trash cans..' Marc: 'Yeah.' He continues, 'Well, his dad usta put in the bottom, an actual cement weight, so the trash cans wouldn't get blown over.' Marc interrupts to ask what Mark Henry is doing. Al says that he thinks he wants to tag in already ('That's why they call it a 'Tag Match.''). He does, and Christian immediately tries to tag in Test. Test decides then to tie his bootlace..Al:'Test. Safety first, always gotta make sure your boots are properly tied..Especially when you are gonna kick somebody in the face with one..' The two square off, and Al says,'Ohh. Look at Christian. He is massive.' Marc brings up that both Test and Christian are from Canada, and that both this week's shows were in Canada..Al says that 'Hogan actually got,like, very emotional..' at the show this week, then, 'he was overcome by the emotions of the fans.'
Test 'wisely' puts up his knees to avoid a drop by Henry, and Al says, 'I don't know if it'd be so wise, having somebody that size, like Mark Henry, drop on his knees..Quite possibly hurt one of them..'..Al backtracks a bit then, to say that Montreal was the place that Hulkamania was born. He then goes on to say that the Undertaker is 'In his yard. He's not gonna take a back seat', and that he wants that Undisputed Title worse than anybody. Marc says that 'Taker means to end 'Hulkamania', and that many have tried, and Al says, 'If one can, it's got to be the Undertaker..The Undertaker's got just as much a legend as 'Hulkamania'.' Marc agrees.
The Godfather does a run-in, cane in hand; and Marc exclaims over it, wondering what he is doing there, and Al says, 'I don't know. Apparently, he's come down here to wish him good luck.' G-Father guts Faarooq with the cane and Al says, 'Well, obviously, the bad blood between the Godfather and Faarooq continues here on Jakked!' They tell us what is 'still to come', including Chavo versus Kidman (wow!), and that takes us to the first commercial break..
When they return, Al hypes the 'Livestream' of Judgement Day--On WWE.com--'Have those credit cards ready!', telling us to 'Log on NOW to register!'
A lengthy video package is then shown, bringing us up to speed on the Hogan/Taker match...this takes us all the way to the next break, and Al teases the T'n A angle, saying,'But on the way, get fired up for summer, because we sure did---Stacey and Torrie in bikinis! Check it out later!'
After the break, they show that 'lil seasonal recap of Tough Enough 2 (Miss ya ALREADY, Hawk..sniff, sniff..), and Marc says that it is 'coming down the stretch, just two more episodes', and Al replies, 'Right. Had the second half of South Africa this past week', and, as Chavo struts his way down the ramp to the ring, Marc asks Al, 'What's up with Hawk, he couldn't take the pressure?' Al answers that 'I tell ya, there was a lot of drama, you know..a LOT of drama; right as we were IN South Africa, and then when we RETURNED. I mean, what with Hawk, he just CRACKED, he just..he could not take the pressure. And that was pretty much what I was trying to do, was to push them to their limits..physically and emotionally and mentally..and see which one would crack, 'cos it's a high-pressure business.' Marc then reminds us again that they are taking applications for Tough Enough 3.
Kidman hits the ramp to a nice pop, and Al tells us that 'if you got the guts, you got the dream, go for the glory.' Marc segues into Hurricane's win of the Cruiserweight title this past week and Al says, 'YES! A proper title for a Superhero! A Super TITLE for a SuperHERO!' Marc says that Hurricane was not smiling for long, as he found out about another 'cryptic' note..Al disagrees, saying, 'No..Hurricane did NOT find out. Well, he did, I guess, through his FRIEND, Gregory Helms..' Marc sheepishly agrees. (Way to go Kayfabe, Marc..hahahh..) Al says that Gregory is an 'ace reporter..he got a promotion?'..Marc asks what is up with the notes, and quotes a bit of the latest one, and Al says, 'Somebody is obviously playing rhymes (it sounded like) with Hurricane...It could be some arch nemesis, some arch villain with some sinister plot!' then gives us a 'Muuwahahahahhahahhh' evil-type laugh..then, 'Nothing but EEEEVVIIIIL..'
Marc switches gears then, going on to the 'H*ll In A Cell' match with HHH vs. Jericho; saying that although Jericho has never been in one, he is awfully confident..Kidman takes kind of a bad-looking bump out of the ring, and onto the ring steps, and Marc goes on about the thud it made..Al: 'Can you IMAGINE the impact on that steel? And to answer your question..all matches are dangerous, that one, for example..' then goes on to stress the dangers of 'H*ll, etc' matches..being 'surrounded by steel, much like Kidman just crashed into those steps'..Chavo gets a two-count, and Al remarks that 'Kidman's showing a TON of heart.' Marc argues that Chavo shows a lot of heart, too--especially since Tough Enough 2..Al agrees, saying that the show, 'Put him back in touch with his roots, put him back in touch with his passion', and re-iterates the fact that Chavo's family has been in the business 'for generations'. The match goes on, and Marc says that Chavo was trying to set up 'The Gory Special', Al bursts out laughing and says, 'I'm impressed! You actually knew the name of that!' Chavo lands it, but gets only another two. Al: 'You never cease to amaze me! Here!'--then claps his hands for Marc, giving him a 'Round of applause'..Marc says that he appreciates that..but that he was talking to Chavo, and that is how he knew, hahah..
Marc moves on to the Handicap match with SCSA/Flair/Big Show, and Al says, in regards to Austin: 'He's not going up against just 'The Dirtiest Player in the Game', he's going up against the 16 TIME Champion, AND part OWNER of the company!' Al says that the odds are stacked in Flair's favor and 'if that's not bad enough', he has Big Show in the mix..Chavo goes off the top rope--directly into a standing drop kick by Kidman--and sells madly..Al says, 'That could break a rib.' Then back to the hype: 'Flair's obviously got something up his sleeve', and is 'drunk with power', then (A sly reference to UK 'The Flight From H*ll'?), 'When Ric Flair gets drunk, it's not a pretty sight.' Marc laughs at this, caught offguard; and I did, too..Al continues about the match, saying it is bad enough to go against Flair, but Big Show, too---'The Missing Link'? Marc offers that Austin loves those odds, and Al agrees; 'He loves to fight, he loves to drink beer, he loves to kick butt..HAD to say, 'butt', you know..Can't say what I really wanna say..I had to say, 'butt'. 'Cos he loves to kick somethin', but it's not 'butt'..it's somethin' with an 'A'..' Marc hurriedly shuts Al up, agreeing with him..haha..Al then bursts out with '*ss!' anyway, hahah...Go, Al..Kidman then wins the match with a facebuster..ow..bringing us to another break.
Back again, after a tasteless spot promoing the new Logo for WWE, Al: 'And I'VE been sayin' that to you for WEEKS, Marc..Just get the 'F' out..' then hypes Greyhound buslines--which I found kinda appropos, as he owns a couple..Dogs, not buses. They show the guys at ringside, and promo the 'H*ll, etc.' match and Al tell us that we are gonna 'Look back at the road that has led these two men to this very match'. They show another video package of just that..and, for the thousandth time, I wish I was getting this one, folks..This leads us to a break, which opens with the hilarious spot hyping the Hair vs. Hair match with Angle/Edge...yet another reason to get the PPV...
After the break, G-Father makes his way out there, and Al marvels that the 'bad blood' between him and Faarooq 'just keeps rollin' here on Jakked'. They review his earlier run-in..Al: 'Thought the Godfather was coming down to wish him well, but NO-O-O...' Funaki comes out, and climbs in the ring, and is immediately snatched up by G-father, Al: 'Look at how intense he is, look how vicious, how aggressive!'..and goes on to say that he thinks it is 'an improvement'. Marc brings up the cane business, and Al says that although his tactics aren't the best, 'You can't argue with success!'
Oh, my. Marc then says that, looking over at Al, it brings up the fact that Al has 'the long hair, kinda the way Edge does', and asks what he would think of being shaved bald like the upcoming match---Al says, 'You aint touchin' my hair.' (Marc says he didn't say he wanted to..hahah..but meant as in the match) then Al says, 'I'm sure, thanks to genetics, I will probably find out ten or twelve years from now, what I'll look like bald; but, not any time before that.' Then adds, 'The chicks DIG my hair, babe..' (Yes, we do, Al.) Marc says that the loser will be 'escorted' right to a barber's chair after the match and Al says, 'Yes, I know. Edge, a chick magnet 'cos of the hair..Chicks LOVE long hair...o'course, you wouldn't know..but..' and goes on to say wistfully, in regards to Edge's 'long, flowing blond hair'--'Can you imagine that ALL GONE?' he then laughs 'cos Edge 'already has a bald spot' since Angle cut a 'huge chunk' (as described by Marc) out of it..according to Al: 'Kinda like a cowlick'. Al then says that Edge started the whole thing, and is 'Kinda reaping what he's sown.'.
The beat goes on, and Al says with some satisfaction, 'Bald as a baby's bottom.'
G-Father wins the match, and that takes us to another commercial break, and Marc tells us that there will be more on Judgement day...rubbing it in, I guess..
When they come back, the 'Rewind' is Trish winning the Women's title from Jazz..this leads us, of course, to (Al) 'Ohhh, baby..the bikini contest on Smackdown!..If you haven't seen it, check this out..' (then makes that untypeable growling noise..) Marc tells him to calm down. Footage is then shown of Trish busting out in her underwear, after Torrie is hauled off by Tajiri and there went what little credibility she had started to gain in my eyes...Just my opinion, hahah..sorry..The crowd loves it, Stacy is foiled again, then goes at Trish with the mic, yadda, yadda..you all get the picture..Stacy is fuming as she stomps up the ramp and Trish holds her belt aloft--proving once again that she is the best..um..well..so much for that.
Next, Albert lumbers out for his match against Hugh Morrus, and Al likens him to 'Fat Albert' the cartoon character..'The Laughing Man' (who is in great shape!) comes out, and the guys remind us of the Intercontinental Title match with RVD vs. Guerrerro..Al mentions that it is also about who is the owner of the frogsplash..Al: 'Battle of the Big Men. We've got the 'North American Grizzly' on one side, and 'The Human Humvee' in the other..' Marc agrees that it should be a great matchup. Al says then that, 'I got to give the nod to Hugh Morrus a little bit, because he's got the lower center of gravity, the lower center of balance..it might come into advantage.'
They move on to talk about the fact that there will be a Dudley in each corner against each other in the Women's match, and how Stacy went to Mr McMahon about it..Al laughs at 'Reverend D-Von' being 'security' for the match, and wonders how Bubba 'Went from putting chicks through tables to hanging out with them..' Marc then wonders at the 'strange matchup' of the Hardys vs. Brock Lesnar--having Heyman as his partner..Marc calls Heyman 'greasy, slimy', and Al agrees, wishing to see a 'Twist of Fate' upon him..'Or ANY wrestling move'..
The match proceeds, and Marc reminds us of the WWE's upcoming schedule..Albert is down, and Morrus hesitates, getting the crowd up; and Al comments on the pop..urging Morrus to climb the ropes..He drops an elbow, getting a near fall. Albert then tries his luck up there, but 'nobody's home'. Morrus again climbs the ropes, but is grabbed off by Albert for a Baldo Bomb, from which Morrus escapes. Albert then picks up the win with a kick to the face, which launches us into yet another commercial break.
Back on board, they remind us of our sponsors, then hype the PPV some more, on the Hair vs. Hair match, Al: 'Somebody's going home with a new coiffure!', and then, laughs like a hyena at the computer image of both contenders bald...Then, on the Undisputed Title Match, Al says, 'The Undertaker..the only man to possibly kill off the newly resurrected 'Hulkamania'!'
The closing shot is of 'Taker in Hulk's face, and Marc takes us out for both he and Al...And I guess that is IT..No mention of the new 'Velocity', Nada...and I don't know quite what to say, except, 'Fade to Black'....