Al's OVW Work

Al's OVW Work

OVW Report for 1/29/05-Jeff Wahlmam reporting for the Observer(edited by your webmaster Wayne-O!#$^&*

Here's our special guest who is a new OVW trainer... it's Al

Cornette and Al shake hands and Al sucks up to the fans and says<

Al: It's "damn fine" to be in OVW with the "damn fine" fans..........I begged WWE to let me come to OVW. ...........and I'm going to take a real close look at Elijah Burke...... and I'm going to take over at the announce table and take a look if Dean doesn't mind

Al:(to Dean) Move your ass over.......don't change the channel, don't move, we know where you live" and I hear Mick Foley fake laughing somewhere.

Elijah Burke and slaps everyone's hands at ringside. Cornette gives the impression Al may be taking over as commentator permanently as he says Al is his "new broadcast partner".

OVW Heavyweight Champion Elijah Burke v.s. Vengeance (n. WWE PPV) -

Nontitle Match

It's a hoss in a mask, Vengeance (aka Kevin Fertig aka Seven aka Mordecai). Ven is wearing a mask inspired by the comic book character Spawn, and is wearing a chest protector ala D'Lo Brown. I really couldn't tell who it was if I didn't know, so they did a good job dressing Mordecai up. Ven jumps Burke before the bell and stomps him. Burke tries to punch Vengeance in the chest and hurts his hand. Ven misses a splash in the corner, and Burke comes back. An Inverted Atomic Drop 2x, clothesline by Burke. 10-punch count in the corner.

Al says he'd do anything for $500, let alone $5000.

Vengeance Vaderattacks Burke in the corner. 2 count. Cornette and Al need a little work meshing together (Al talks a bit too much since Cornette can talk forever) but that will come quickly.

Grapevine and a "fishhook" on Burke. Al says Burke looks like a "large mouthbass" about now. Ven punches away on Burke, Burke breaks out. Ven goes for the Vader attack and misses and hurts himself with his chestprotector. Burke forearm, dropkick. 1-count. Russian legsweep for 2. Cornette says the OVW title isn't on the line. Burke goes forhis finisher, but Ven blocks with a thumb to the eye. Ven stickssomething up his mask and headbutts Burke.


Winner; Vengeance.

Mordecai looked better in that match. Al is on the ring apron and tells Briscoe about Ven cheating. Briscoe asked the audience what happened. Briscoe decides to restart the match! Vengeance runs after Al , who jumps off the apron. Burke hits the facebuster (X-Factor) on Ven, who still has the object in his mask and is knockedout cold!


Winner: Elijah Burke

Rating: * 1/2

Al gets in the ring and raises Burke's hand and congratulates him.

OVW report for 6/2/05-Care of Figure Four Weekly Newsletter

Show opened with Dean Hill all by himself at the announcer's table looking forlorn. He said Jim Cornette was gone and nobody knew where he was.

"I understand Alexis Laree has some information,"

he said. Oh my God. She was backstage in the locker room. There were one hundred million people back there, which surely wouldn't have happened had Cornette still been around ("Get these goofs outta here!").  She questioned several guys, none of whom knew what was going on. They cut back to Dean, who said he didn't know if it was a health issue or what.

MNM came out. "The Champs are here!" Mercury said. "Jim Cornette is not. Jim Cornette was a very big deal about 20 years ago. But Jim Cornette never meant crap to MNM." He doesn't mean that. He said Cornette was a man of the people and the people didn't mean crap to them, and they accomplished everything and won the WWE Tag Titles all by themselves. Nitro, whose voice has been really weird lately, said some teams made those belts look great, but they made them look SEXAY~!~!~!~!!! He said they owned OVW, they owned WWE and they owned the whole world.

Melina said that meant they called the shots, so their first matter of business was to do a photo shoot for the people. I thought they hated the people. Whatever. They went around ringside and folks took pictures of them. Dean reiterated that he didn't know where Cornette was. "I desperately miss him out here!" he said, like a sad puppy would if sad puppies could speak.

MNM kept taking photos. Melina then slapped a fan and when security tried to intervene, MNM beat them up.


They gave a security guy a snapshot and Dean screamed: "JESUS CHRIST! WHAT A BUNCH OF JERKS!" Seth Skyfire finally made the save with a crutch. Why does he have a crutch?...

After commercial, referees were stretchering out the security guy. Dean then announced that "the legendary Al Snow" was coming out to help him with commentary. Clips aired of Seth getting intestinized last week. I don't care what really happened to him, I am reporting that he got intestinized, and it was because he hadn't been working his core muscles, and also because MNM is SEXAY~!~!~!!~!~!... "Al Snow looks 400 years old," my buddy Vince said...

Speaking of Al, he said he didn't know what happened to Cornette either... Back to Alexis. No news! she said, but she was STILL SEARCHING! She found a door that was locked. This was a mystery. "I don't know who's behind here!" she proclaimed. So she asked Deuce Shade. He didn't know. "There you have it!" she concluded.

YOU MUST SEE THIS... Al in the ring explained — three guesses — that nobody knew where Cornette was. This has been the longest 20 minutes of my life, and I never thought I'd say that about OVW TV. Al said the show MUST GO ON. He introduced Bobby Heenan. My God, Bobby Heenan has been sent to OVW. Heenan said he was here because of Kenny Bolin, who he said everyone in the business was talking about. "THEY ARE!?" asked Snow. OK, that was good.

Bolin came out to a new theme song and boy did it ever suck. Did Cornette take the theme music CD with him? Bobby said he had a gift for Bolin because he admired the way he managed. Before he could give it to him, Bolin grabbed the mic and said he had a slight problem, that being Cornette and everyone else referring to Bobby as the greatest manager ever. Bolin said HE was the greatest manager ever. This dragged, and I couldn't have imagined that was even possible. Bobby gave him the gift. It was a pair of underwear that would have been too big for Viscera. Heenan put them on his head and swung him around and Bolin flip-flopped around until he flip-flopped his way outside.

A half hour in and no matches yet... Alexis interviewed Idol and a Mystery Blonde backstage. He quickly shoved her off when Beth Phoenix appeared. Beth choked out the Mystery Blonde and Alexis watched the entire thing, and then when Beth was done with her choking Alexis shoved her. THIS WAS SO AWFUL... Brent Albright came out with his OVW Title and cut a promo. Yes, a PROMO. He said in February he won the TV Title and had successfully defended it every single week since. He said that title was dear to his heart and he used it as a stepping stone to the main prize, the OVW Title. Unfortunately, he was told he wasn't allowed to hold two titles at once. People booed. "I know," he said. Therefore, he was vacating the TV Title, and next week a tournament would begin to crown a new champ.

This was a better promo than I expected. Idol came out. He cut the greatest promo ever. The reason it was so great is because the people were bored into absolute silence, and suddenly, during a pause in his speech, one man loudly shouted "SHUT THE HELL UP!" I died. So anyway, Idol challenged Brent to a TV Title match. Was Idol not listening to his promo two minutes earlier? It gets better. Albright, who had vacated the belt because he wasn't allowed to hold two titles, said OK, meaning I guess it was suddenly un-vacated and he was allowed to defend both.

Albright vs. Idol for the TV Title. Dean was bitching about Beth Phoenix being at ringside, so Al said that was why he was still single, because he didn't understand women. I guess that wife Cornette was always discussing with Dean has ceased to exist as well.  And wasn't her name Beth too? "It will take years to undo the damage done on this show," Vinny said. Brent made a comeback and hit a German for a nearfall. Ref took a bump and Albright put the crowbar on. Idol tapped, but no ref. Beth hit the ring and raked his back. Albright, distracted, got whacked with a chairshot. Still no ref. Inferno, who is feuding with Idol, suddenly slid in behind Idol, pretended he was the ref, counted three, then beat the piss out of him. Beth tried to make the save and failed. Inferno chased her backstage. In the ring, all three guys (both wrestlers and the ref) woke up and Albright turned a sunset flip into the crowbar for the submission. Cool finish to a totally overbooked match. Crowd chanted "YOU TAPPED OUT!"

Albright went to cut his usual post-match promo, but then SIMON DEAN of all people attacked him. "JESUS CHRIST!" Dean screamed. He was on a roll this evening. Crowd chanted "NOVA SUCKS!" Nova cut a promo saying he hadn't been around in six months and this place had become a circus. He demanded a title shot for next week, then hurked up a security guy and gave him a kryptonite krunch on a pretty black mat. That was scary. This was pretty good... No sooner should I speak than Al announced that next week the match was official, Simon Dean vs. Brent Albright for the OVW Title, but then he added that it would take place OFF TV. Oh yes. All that TV build for a match THAT WON'T AIR ON TV...

After commercial, Tank Toland was on the mic ranting and raving about how nobody gave a crap where Cornette was. "THE INMATES HAVE TAKEN OVER THE ASYLUM," he said, "AND I'M IN CHARGE!" This brought out all the babyfaces, including Daniel Puder and Matt Morgan (who is not a babyface). All the babyfaces and all the heels squared off, and then it erupted into a big battle royal as the show went off the air. Dean did manage to get in one more "JESUS CHRIST!" in for old time's sake. A mess of a show

OVW report for 6/11/04 (from Figure Four Wrestling Newsletter

Dean Hill opened up the show saying that every match tonight would be for the TV Title.  Al Snow added that this was the INTERNATIONAL TV Title.  He apologized for what happened last week (at least someone took responsibility for that debacle), and pulled out a baseball bat.  This bat, he said, was called "Woody the Bat" and would be used to take out anyone who caused trouble. 

Dean then said he had a statement from Cornette.  It read:

  "I want all OVW personnel to know that the success and prosperity of OVW remains of the utmost priority to me.  I am not at liberty due to the pending negotiations and potential civil litigation to reveal the reason for my absence.  However, I can say that I will not return to OVW until all challenges to either my full control as OVW matchmaker or my administration and execution of said position have been something or other [Jim Cornette said a word that neither myself nor Frank A. Gotch had ever heard be-fore] and found to be without merit.  This, I believe, is imminent.  During my leave I urge OVW fans to turn their attention to the athletes in the ring and the start of the great Summer Sizzler Series at Six Flags.  I hope to see you there, Jim Cornette." 

The fans immediately applauded reverently.  Snow wanted to know who Jim thought was trying to steal his power.  "I'm not," he said.  There are theories…  Brent Albright came out and said he was there to vacate the TV Title.  I could have sworn he did that last week.  He said he wanted to be there to wish all the competitors good luck.  Mike Mondo interfered and ran him down.  Albright responded by taking him down and putting him in the crowbar.  As Mondo was screaming in pain and agony, Alexis Laree's music hit.  That's right, she's in the tournament.  I had it set in my mind that I was going to abhor this, but then I saw that Alexis Laree was wrestling in what appeared to be her underwear.  She immediately cradled and pinned Mondo, then celebrated, and during her celebration it was clear that her ring gear was, in fact, SEE-THROUGH lingerie.

  "That was the greatest match I ever saw," Vince said.

  Amen… Seven vs. Osama.  I believe Osama was Deuce Shade with a new, even more shitty gimmick.  Well, the plan about a year ago was to put him together with Mohammad Hassan as the Mad Terrorists in WWE.  For those who watch OVW regularly, try to fathom the concept of Mohammad Hassan & Deuce Shade as a team.  TRY.  You cannot.  It is unfathomable.  Seven came out wearing a BASEBALL CAP, just to send an extra "FUCK YOU!" to ol' JC.  He was also waving a US flag.  Nothing like a patriotic demon.  Seven, who got sent back to OVW because they thought he sucked as Mordecai, looked like Big Van Vader in his prime next to Mr. Osama.  He won clean with a neck hanging tree slam that might have killed young Osama. 

"Decapitate one of them for a change!" Al Snow screamed.

  There was so much to hate about this…  There was, however, so much to love about Maria interviewing Nick Nemeth.  Paul Burchill then made his OVW debut by sneaking in and mugging into the camera in a comical manner.  This SO made up for the last segment.  Note to WWE:  STOP TRYING TO MAKE MARIA AN AIRHEAD. She does a perfect job without any coaching whatsoever. Golldamn this was great…  Paul Burchill vs. Nick Nemeth.  You have GOT to see Paul Burchill.  His gimmick should be that he's a carnival strongman from Blackpool, because he's got the most perfect physique for it.  In fact, he's got your classic 1980s English worker body, which means the gimmick should be that he's a Blackpool carnival strongman from 1986 who fell into a time machine and ended up here, in Louisville, in 2005.  Why not?  This show has gone all to hell anyway.  Vinny and I determined that Paul Burchill must win.  This match TOTALLY fell apart when Nemeth attempted and horribly botched a tornado DDT.  It turned into the worst match I have seen on OVW TV in ages.

  The only thing that saved it was that in the end, PAUL BURCHILL WON.  Now we get to see him again next week!...  Aaron the Idol Stevens and Beth Phoenix came out.  He had his shoulder all taped up.  He claimed he hadn't been able to go anywhere in the past week without some mark coming up to him and telling him he tapped out to Albright last week.  He said in reality, the only reason he got put in the crowbar was because of Inferno.  He said he was so cool that he was not going to pull out of the TV Title tournament, and would instead win the whole thing with one arm.  And then his opponent came out.  Yes, it was Danny Inferno.  However, Danny was attacked on the way to the ring by GENE SNITSKY. 

Snitsky slammed him on the mats outside, threw him into the ring, and Idol pinned him with one foot on his chest.  "JESUS CHRIST!" Dean screamed.  One "JESUS CHRIST!" was not enough, however, because what happened next was Beth Phoenix licked Gene Snitsky's face.  The horrors on this show are many…  Speaking of horrors, Al Snow was flipping through MuscleMag, which had a Melissa Coates spread.  He basically said if this photo spread didn't turn you on, you had no pulse.  Well, it's official.

  I am dead…  Blaster Lashley vs. Seth Skyfire.  Lashley, who wrestled at 177 in college, looked easily 277 this week and appears to get bigger and more ripped every time I see him.  Seth came out looking way too happy given what he was in store for.  What he was in store for was a two-minute squash.  I cannot believe Danny Davis wasn't shooting people backstage.  Seth did briefly get some heat.  Unfortunately, it was heat on MNM, who came out apparently just so there would be two men to catch Seth on a dive to the floor.  After Seth was murdered, MNM hit the ring to intestinize him again.

  Who should make the save but Al Snow with Woody the Bat.  Blaster was still in the ring and he proceeded to BACK DOWN FROM AL SNOW.

  Now I am stunned that gunshots did not ring out…  After commercial Al was cutting a promo.  He said he was taking charge, and was there to interview Matt Cappotelli about what happened to his partner, uh, "Jeter".  Matt said Jillian Hall threw rubbing alcohol in Jeter's eyes, and now he was sitting at home with only 50% vision in his right eye.  Man, maybe Jillian should throw rubbing alcohol in my eyes, because if I had 50% vision in my right eye I'd be in pretty good shape.  Al wanted to know what Cappotelli was going to do at the "Super Six Summer Sizzler Tour" without his partner.  Matt said he'd take on the Tolands alone.  Tank, Chad and Jillian came out.  She appeared to have gotten new implants since the last time I saw her.  Thank God for Chad, that's all I've got to say.  Jillian, by the way, was at least wearing a neckbrace to sell her powerbomb at the hands of the Dudleys.

  Al signed Tank vs. Matt, and said if Matt won, he got a Southern Tag Title shot at the June 3rd Six Flags show.  He also banned Chad and Jillian from ringside.  Someone needs to send this tape to Mick Foley, he'd have a decade's worth of material…  This show was starting to feel like one of those old TNA shows that was two hours long but felt like six…  Tank vs. Matt.  They had a blah match.  Al said Matt had too much heart and soul.  I think that would make him the first babyface in wrestling history that had TOO MUCH heart and soul.  Chad came back out and Al, who had banned him, didn't seem to care much.  Was Al this bad on Heat?  Jeter hit a mistimed something-or-other for the pin.  "HE WON, HE WON!" Al proclaimed.  Chad hit the ring again afterwards and the bad guys and Jillian triple-teamed him. 

Ten million men then hit the ring for a battle royal.  Didn't we see that last week?  My God, it really is Nitro.  Al then hit the ring with his bat and told everyone to leave.  And suddenly it was over.  That was, without question, the worst OVW show I ever saw.

OVW Report 6/19/05-From Figure Four Weekly Newletter

Dean Hill opened up the show saying that Idol had suffered a horrible neck injury last week at the hands of Danny Inferno, and therefore he was out of both the TV Title tournament and the next Six Flags show. His replacement, Dean said, was Gangrel. Dean then started rattling off about sixteen different news items and he did so in such a manner that I have no idea what he said. Nothing like this has ever happened on this show.

Johnny Swinger came out and asked for the mic. A few fans chanted "ECW". Swinger cut a heel promo saying he'd once heard that the only good thing about Kentucky was fried chicken. Then he added: "You're not supposed to eat it every day, jeez!" Oh God. He said he was a huge star who had been everywhere, WCW, ECW and TNA. Yes, the letters "TNA" were mentioned on an OVW show. Swinger vs. Ken Doane. More fast-paced early than your usual OVW match. Doane made a big comeback and got the pin with the DOANE-ATION, which was more like a Hart attack clothesline this week. Dean praised the great action.

Maria interviewed Deuce Shade, whom she identified as "Doo Shay". You know, I was just about to write that Deuce Shade and Osama were two different people, but then I realized that maybe this man was, in fact, Doo Shay, and Deuce Shade and Osama were the same guy. Doo Shay said he was very upset with the Tolands, because they threw stuff in Jeter's eye, and coincidentally, he had a brother and someone once "threw some stuff in his eyes, and now he can't see properly out of one eye". Shay looked like he was about to cry when doing this promo, filled with what was described as emotion. Then, mere moments later, his ring music played and he danced and bebopped down to the ring and threw playing cards at ringsiders. DOO SHAY~! vs. Chad Toland. You know, I always knew Chad was good, but he looked like Ric Flair carrying this dude this evening. So, of course, you know what that means. Yes, Doo Shay beat Chad Toland. Chad at least got to beat the piss out of him for a long time first. I should note that with Cornette gone and Al Snow taking his place, you now have Al Snow, a color guy, being a color guy, and Dean Hill, also a color guy, trying to be a play-by-play guy. Suffice to say, this does not work. Dean will all of a sudden launch into these tirades where he'll try to call sixteen moves in two seconds and they all blend together into one completely indecipherable word. You should have seen Shay's punches to the belly. He finally won with a move that Al described as"Idontknowwhatyoucallitbutitwaseffective".

Lance Storm is now in charge of plugging the localized promos. Clearly things are in disarray.

Kid Kash vs. Frankie Kazarian in a TNA special. OK, I take back every bad thing I've said about OVW the last three weeks because Frankie Kazarian came out to – this is true – the training theme, I believe called "The Best Around", from THE KARATE KID. That was so awesome. Frankie Kazarian suddenly became my favorite wrestler of all time. Fans chanted "TNA!" I can't get over that song. Where did Kazarian come up with that? Was he sitting at home one day watching TBS and Karate Kid came on, and the training montage scene aired, and Kazarian thought: "That's perfect! That song is for me!" YEAH! Kash cheated. Al said: "It's the results that matter, not how you get there." Write that down all you aspiring WWE wrestlers, particularly those of you who are skinny. Hey, Al Snow said it, not me. They did a total TNA match and the crowd didn't seem ready for it. Dean was announcing how much time was left so it was clear they were going to a draw. Al said something about how someone here was going to mount some offense, and suddenly I had the single greatest idea of my entire life, and keep in mind that I am now thirty years old. Tell me this isn't awesome. Vinny needs to get a valet and she has to be just grotesque. This grotesque woman would be called, say, Olivia Offense. And then before every match — I think everyone needs to sit down and take a deep breath before reading this, because it might be life-changing — Vince would cut a promo where he would finish with: "—and tonight, I am going to MOUNT OFFENSE!" Of course, he would be referring to, you know, punches and kicks, but everyone would see the double entendre and it would garner fabulous heat. Vince, of course, would have to be oblivious to it all. In fact, even better, and this would fit Vince's character and ability, she'd have to be called MISS OFFENSE. This is, without question, the peak of my brilliance, better even than Unskinny Bob the Fat 80s Rocker. This was all I could think about for hours afterwards.

Seth Skyfire came out and was cutting a promo when MNM interrupted him. God, they are so great. Seth ran them off with a pipe immediately. BOO!.

Backstage, Maria looked at the BRACKETS~! for the tournament. Suddenly, Mike Mondo stormed in and dragged her to the ring. Mondo ranted and raved about how he didn't lose to Alexis Laree last week. He demanded she come out. What does Maria have to do with any of this? "He's mean," Vinny explained. Alexis came out dressed like Pocahontas. She kicked Mondo in the nuts, then Maria rolled him up, exposing her thong, and pinned him. This was the greatest three seconds in the history of wrestling. Kenny Bolin came out with Blaster Lashley. He was screaming something about Pocahontas being a ho when Blaster grabbed the mic and said he could speak for himself. He demanded Alexis pull out of the tourney so he wouldn't have to hurt her. Miss Blue told "Bobby" that he didn't have to hurt her because she'd do it. They had a brief catfight, then Lashley hit the ring and this somehow became a second round tournament match even though the first round isn't over yet. Lashley powerslammed her. "JESUS H. CHRIST!" Dean screamed. Yes, he added the "H" this week. Blaster went for a second one, but Seven – baseball cap and all – hit the ring and dropped Blaster Lashley with ONE PUNCH. Oh yes. I hope Cornette didn't have a shotgun in the room when he was watching this on TV.

Lance Storm did another localized promo about the show on JUNE 12TH~! "Don't ya dare miss it!" he concluded. Frank A. Gotch would greatly approve of these promos.

After commercial, Dean was going on and on about how outraged he was that Blaster Lashley had hit Alexis Laree with exactly one move in a match that she had signed for and agreed to participate in. Al was outraged as well. "He could easily have just pinned her," he said. I could have sworn that was what happened. Al was so outraged that he said he'd decided to suspend Blaster, remove him from the tournament, and sign him to a match with Seven at Six Flags. Read that sentence again.

Elijah Burke pinned Cliff Compton, who was the whitest man in all of Louisville, KY, with his facebuster in about five seconds. Al decided to go interview him about Six Flags. This was so weird. I'd always seen Elijah Burke as a really small guy, as in, like Spanky-sized, and here he was in the ring and he was bigger than Al Snow. "Well," Vince said, "he did feud for months with Matt Morgan." That is a very good point. Burke said he wanted the OVW Title back and was going to beat Brent Albright for it at Six Flags. Albright came out. Thankfully, Albright was wearing a nice shirt this week along with his jeans and cowboy boots. He looked like he was ready to go clubbing, which is an improvement from last week when he came out and looked like he was about to go do construction. Brent said he'd shake his hand tonight, but at Six Flags, it would be all business. The highlight of this was when he added that at Six Flags the belt wasn't going to leave his waist, and he was saying this with the belt draped over his shoulder.

Dean promised Johnny Jeter in the ring next. Is this show three hours long?.

After commercial, Al interviewed Jeter, who had his eye bandaged and was wearing sunglasses. The big question was whether he'd be able to wrestle at Six Flags against Tank and CHAD~! This is not saying a whole hell of a lot, but this was by far the best promo of Johnny Jeter's career. I have no idea what got into him. Out came the Tolands. And suddenly, the show ended just like that. What an odd finish. Well, better than last week, that's for damn sure.

OVW Report for 6/26/05-From Figure Four Weekly Newsletter

Well, the show didn't start horribly as it opened with MIKE MONDO'S MUSIC.  He was there with Miss Blue, who has a completely new body with the exception of her breasts, which are just as ginormous as ever.  Mondo was still upset about losing to Alexis Laree and My Beautiful Maria in recent weeks.  "There's three things women are good for," he explained.  "One, doing my laundry.  Two, doing my housework.  And three, doing me."  You would have to have seen Mike Mondo before to full appreciate this comedy.  He told Miss Blue to tie one arm behind his back, and then he wanted to challenge any woman backstage to a match.  Victoria accepted.  She made some short jokes.  Ha ha ha.  It's all in the delivery, and she SO doesn't have it.  She then called out Earl Hebner, who got this enormous pop, to act as special referee.  Dean was going on and on about how awesome it was for Earl to be there.  Blue tripped Victoria and Mondo had the visual pin behind Earl's back.  God, that's the most powerful trip in wrestling history.  Earl – who's always been crooked – shoved Mondo into a schoolgirl, the counted the pin for Victoria.  Hope that showed Dean.

  More LOCALIZED PROMOS WITH LANCE STORM AIRED~!~!~!  See, this show isn't so bad after all.

  Maria attempted to explain the brackets.  Think about this.  I cannot comprehend the brackets or even begin to explain them, and they told her to go do it.  Luckily, she is the single most beautiful being placed upon the Earth by the hand of God, so this melted my heart and I could watch it one hundred million times.  She was going on and on about how what Blaster Lashley did last week was "ungentlemanlylike" when Kenny Bolin came out and said something.  I have no idea what because I was transfixed by whatever the hell it was Maria was doing (standing there).  Vinny explained that Bolin wanted a match between Seven and Blaster.  Al told him to shut the hell up so they could get on with the show.

  And what was next was DOO SHAY VS. PAUL BURCHILL.  This was everything I could have dreamed.  Doo Shay put him in a surfboard (well, that's what they called it) and pretended to surf and asked the fans to do the wave.  I am not making this spot up.  I don't think anyone waved.  They probably had no idea what the hell was going on.  The only reason I know he was asking for this was because Al explained it to Dean, and Dean responded by saying "OH I GET IT.  HAW HAW HAW!"  Doo Shay won with the deuces wild, a finisher that defies every law of gravity and physics.

  Ken Doane came out for his match with Idol.  Idol came out wearing a neckbrace and cut a funny promo saying he would be unable to compete tonight.  What has gotten into Idol the last few weeks?  He said if Ken promised to do this for him, Beth would promise to do something for him.  Al, never one to let fans figure stuff out for themselves, said it appeared that Beth was offering herself up to him.  You don't say?  Doane rejected her, preferring a match with Idol instead.  Well, Idol is developing breasts, so you have to take that into consideration.  He reluctantly got into the ring, but who should run in but Inferno. Idol ran, nearly died tripping on a cable, then bolted completely from the building.  Inferno told the ref to count Idol out, which he did.  Ken Doane – the babyface, mind you – celebrated like he'd won WrestleMania.  Beth slapped Ken afterwards, so he kissed her.  Inferno then put her over his knee and went to spank her.  Gangrel and Kenzo Suzuki, however, hit the ring and made the save for her ass.  WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE RING RIGHT NOW?  Idol returned and cackled with the bad guys.

  Osama vs. Nick Nemeth.  Wasn't Osama already eliminated from this tournament?  Also, I guess this confirms it.  Osama is not Deuce Shade.  Now we just have to confirm whether Deuce Shade and Doo Shay are the same man.  This match was a comedy of errors.  They were missing spots left and right when Lance Cade ran in, I guess for the double DQ.  So are they both out of the tournament?  Did they both advance?  Where is Maria to solve this puzzle?  Dean actually said he didn't know if both men advanced.  I was joking, but now Dean here is actually suggested that both men might advance because of this double DQ.  Not sure how that would work.  Cade was ranting and raving about how he was signed five years ago at age 18, the youngest ever, and was given "thousands and thousands of dollars a year" by Vince McMahon.  Yes, literally thousands of dollars.  EVERY YEAR.  It's crazy, the money in pro-wrestling.  He said he was supposed to be the youngest-ever WWE Champion.  Well, if my math is right (and that is always debatable), there is still time.  He said people must be wondering why he was in OVW.  He said it was because in his last match in OVW he blew out his knee and now he was stuck.  "All of my plans, all of my dreams, they were taken away from me, by all of you, by you two (the announcers), by Jim Cornette, by Danny Davis, by Julie (?), by this camera man and by this camera man!"  He said it should have been him at WrestleMania, not John Cena or Big Dave.  Is that so?  He said he wasn't leaving the ring until OVW owned up to him.  I'm not sure what he was expecting OVW to do.  He finally explained it.  He wanted Brent Albright and the OVW Title, even though he hates OVW and doesn't want to be there.  Hey, don't yell at me, I didn't write this.  Albright came out and they got into a brawl.  This show truly is setting new standards.  You should have seen security trying to break these two giant men up.

  A WHACKY LUCHA SKIT AIRED WITH THE TOLANDS~!  Chad was drooling over Melissa Coates' magazine spread backstage.  Tank told him to knock it off and started ranting and raving about this, that and the other thing.  In walked Coates to flash Chad.  He began whimpering and drooling.  I have no idea what is happening.  Tank then told him they had to go to the ring for their match.  "Why did she flash him?" Vinny asked.  I do not know.  I have long since given up.   The Tolands vs. Russell Simpson and Another Man.  Bad guys won fast with the vegomatic.  This was a 1986 squash.  Dean alerted us that the mystery man was "Robert Fury".  Tank and Chad continued beating on the men afterwards until Chris Cage returned and made the save.  It appeared about four girls recognized him, and for all I know, they freaked because they thought he was Matt Hardy.

  After commercial, Cage was cutting a promo about being back.  My God, this show is still going on?  It has officially become TNA.  Cage blamed the Tolands for screwing up his shot at WWE.  Well, that's true.  No shit, they were going to ditch Joey Matthews for Chris Cage the night MNM was set to debut until they found out that Cage was hurt and couldn't work.  So anyway, thank you Tolands.  Cage also explained that he was gone due to injury (real reason) and a lawsuit (storyline reason), so by the end of this, everyone's head was spinning.

  Blaster Lashley vs. Seven.  Al had decreed that Bolin be banned from ringside.  Blaster got heat for approximately one minute, then Seven made his big comeback.  He taped his fist and knocked Blaster out with one punch.  Yes.  Mike Mondo pulled the ref out of the ring.  Al made the save with his baseball bat.  Blaster woke up and hit the powerslam, his finisher that no one has ever kicked out of, but SEVEN KICKED OUT.  "This show is killing me," Vinny said.  Join the club.  Ref took a bump.  Um, we're two minutes in.  SEVEN GOT ANOTHER VISUAL PIN WITH A SITOUT POWERBOMB.  Another ref ran in and Blaster kicked out.  Seven went for a powerbomb but Blaster gave him a low blow for the DQ.  This was a disaster of nuclear proportions and Jim Cornette was surely at Best Buy the next day purchasing a new TV set.  Afterwards, Blaster threw a bunch of chairs into the ring and then powerslammed Seven onto them.  This set-up took WAY TOO LONG.  I hate this show, and I have never written that about OVW.  By far the worst episode ever.

I am weeping.

OVW Report for 7/3/05-taken from Figure Four Newsletter

Here we are with WEEK FIVE, the final week before the return of Jim Cornette. Although the bad news is that Cornette did not write this show, the good news is that apparently Tommy Dreamer did not.

  Jerry Lawler did his annual I'm Coming To OVW For Six Flags pre-taped promo. When Jerry Lawler isn't being The Old Pervert on Raw, Good Gawd can he ever still cut a great promo. WHOO~! So far so good.

  Clips aired of Chris Cage attacking the Tolands last week.

  Gangrel & Kenzo Suzuki vs. The Tolands vs. Chris Cage & Danny Inferno in an elimination match. Tank and Chad now come to the ring with Melissa Coates and Jillian Hall, and this is the strangest foursome in wrestling today. Melissa may be a man, so pairing her up with Chad has to be a rib of some sort, and Jillian has, well, discovered way more than surgery. The story of Chris Cage is amazing. He was a small guy with a decent body, and then suddenly he apparently discovered the gym and protein shakes because one week he showed up and had spontaneously developed a brand new body. Strangely, despite suddenly having developed so much muscle mass, he tore a pec. I don't know how this happened since I have been working out for sixteen years and am nowhere near as big as Chris Cage and I've never torn a muscle. So anyway, he was out four months and during that period couldn't do much working out with the torn pec and all. But now he is back, and somehow, his physique looks better than ever. Originally I had come to the conclusion that there must just be something in the water in Louisville, but then I recalled that my buddy Vince Hall moved out there to train and the last I heard he was the "best guy in the goof class" but probably wouldn't be on TV anytime soon because he was still so skinny that he looked like "a goddamn popcorn-seller". So I don't know what the deal is. Inferno pinned Kenzo using that one move that Edge used to do that was so awful that he doesn't do it anymore. You know, the jumping facebuster thing. So anyway, that meant it was down to Cage & Inferno vs. Tolands. Dean said Chad had lifted Inferno up "by the hair of the head". You know, as opposed to the hair of the pubes. That reminds me, back in the day when ICW up here in Washington had TV, announcer Ken Hamblin would always say that so and so was picking what's his name up by "the short hairs", perhaps not realizing what that meant. Cage made a comeback and had a pin but Jillian took the ref. Blaster Lashley hit ringside and beat the crap out of Inferno. Cage, alone, was given a low-blow by Jillian behind the ref's back and pinned. "What a cheap way to win that!" Dean said. He was upset. That made me sad.

  Clips aired of Idol paying off Blaster backstage. He said he'd give him ten times that amount if he ran Inferno out of OVW for good.

  Maurice, who is now a mere backstage interviewer, asked Inferno if he'd accept Blaster's challenge for Six Flags. Inferno said sure, but on one condition. He said after he beat Blaster, he wanted two minutes in the ring with Idol. Yes, just two.

  Alexis Laree vs. Miss Blue. Oh my God. Thankfully, it was over in twenty seconds. Alexis looks like she's ready for a powerlifting competition, which is not going to help her chances of getting into WWE. Mike Mondo tried to beat Alexis up afterwards, but Seth Skyfire made the save. Seth actually cut a promo afterwards challenging Mondo to a match. Alexis then grabbed the mic and suggested a tag match at Six Flags. Mondo accepted, then added: "Between now and Friday, the Giant Killer [looking down his trunks at his penis], is one size [long sniff] fits all!" I have no idea what the fuck he was talking about, but because it was Mike Mondo doing this, it was frikking hilarious.

  Brent Albright came out and said no more Mr. Nice Guy. "Lance Cade, last week you came out here and I physically attacked you!" This is the funniest show in weeks. He said he attacked him because Cade called OVW a dump. "If you don't like it, get the hell out!" He took offense to Cade saying he never tapped out, and to prove it, he showed footage of Cade tapping to the crowbar. Cade came out to a song that you would think WWE would have created in-house in 1983 but is actually REAL, and said that footage was bogus. Crowd chanted "BIG BIRD!" He hyped up their Six Flags match and said he was so sure he wouldn't tap out that night that if he did, he would stand there in the middle of the ring, raise his hand, and say "I, Big Bird, tapped out." That's it? They couldn't make him wear a Big Bird outfit or tar and feather him? He said on his worst day, Brent was not worth "a pint of my coldest piss." Dean then said, and I quote: "Oh, that's GROSS!" Albright went out after him but Cade gave him a DDT on the pretty black mats. Albright sold it like a king. Cade then insisted he'd never tapped out and stormed off. Good build for Six Flags.

  Doo Shay vs. Ken Doane for the vacant TV Title, a thousand dollars, and A TROFEO~! Before we go any further, I would just like to note that I swear to God I'm not making this championship match up. On the bright side, Vince and I actually thought it was Doo Shay vs. Nick Nemeth, which would have been significantly worse. "Is this the worst tournament ever?" Vince asked. The very fact that he would have to ask tells you something, especially since he is well aware of that WCW Title tournament Vince Russo booked. Shay did the surfboard again, and this week exactly four fans did the wave. IT'S CATCHING ON! Al was talking about how Doane needed to be aggressive because this was a TV Title match and thus there was a time limit. Um, it's the finals. There's a ten-minute time limit? What happens if it expires? Are they both the champion? Are neither of them the champion? Will Tommy Dreamer have to book another tournament? Shay made a big comeback and ran wild. Can you believe this man is Jimmy Snuka's son? Oh yes. Shay attempted what can best be described as a quefrogga, but Doane moved. They traded terrible nearfalls. I was under the impression that Ken Doane was a babyface, but he tried to get a pin here using the ropes. They traded cradles and Shay got the win with a sunset flip. Yes, the TV Title has gone from Brent Albright to DOO SHAY. Shay, since he hails from Vegas, should go there and gamble with that one thousand dollars. Those would be some fun vignettes. Doane threw a tantrum, then they went to commercial.

  THE~! Paul Burchill & MR~! Ken Anderson vs. Matt Cappotelli & PIRATE~! Johnny Jeter. This proves Cornette is still gone, because I suspect if he was there, he would never have let Johnny Jeter wrestle with an eye patch on. He hit Burchill with a LUCHA~! armdrag early, which was the shit. Ken Anderson looks like Heidenreich's uglier younger brother if you can even fathom such a thing. He is one million times the worker. They were getting the heat on Cappotelli and suddenly it was over. "What happened?" I asked Vince. He explained that Anderson was choking Matt with a chain during the heat and got caught. I assume they just ran out of TV time. Bad, but ten million times better than last week. And next week, thank God, the nightmare is officially over.

OVW Report for 7/10/05 from Figure Four Wrestling Weekly

The show opened with Dean Hill in mid-ring saying he had someone there at the Davis Arena who had shown up earlier saying he wanted to say some things to the fans.  Out came Cornette in a phatass white suit and the place went crazy.  Loud "JIMMY!" chants.  He gave Dean a big hug and I nearly wept.  "HELLO KENTUCKIANA!" he began.  More loud "JIMMY!" chants.  I have never been so happy to see a man back.  He said he owed the fans an explanation and they were going to get it.  He said even though he'd been gone he'd been watching the show on TV.  He said he'd seen people run in, manhandle referees, manhandle women, and all that crap was a thing of the past because the sheriff was back in town.  He said he was the matchmaker in OVW, and that meant he made the matches that he thought the fans in the building and at home wanted to see.  Naturally, he noted, when someone has that power, they come under criticism.  He said he guaranteed them this:  He didn't owe loyalty to anyone except Ohio Valley and the fans that supported them.  His other job was to see that wrestling in Louisville had credibility and was respected, and he didn't have any loyalty to anyone but the OVW fans.  He said he ruffled feathers sometimes, but he was just like the fans.  He was born in Kentucky, he loved wrestling, and as long as he didn't ruffle the feathers of the fans, he didn't give a damn what anyone else said.  He said a few months ago rumors started about people accusing him of mismanagement or favoritism.  "Saying perhaps I wasn't the best matchmaker for Ohio Valley Wrestling!"  He noted that Danny Davis had always been and always would be the head of OVW, and he and Danny were always on the same page.  He noted they had a relationship with WWE, and many people seemed to overlook the fact that several WWE Champions had come from right there in the Davis Arena (both the current heavyweight champions, in fact).  He said whoever this backstabbing jerk was who went around and accused him of not being able to do his job was trying to cost OVW its sponsors, TV affiliates, partners and such. He said he was innocent of all charges, and the only thing he was guilty of was trying to provide a great program for the people of Louisville regardless of what anyone else thought.  He said his plan was to go home, pretend like he quit, let his lawyers deal with stuff, and sooner or later, he knew the guilty party would come forward and reveal himself.  And he did, and that man was — are you ready? — Kenny Bolin.  Cornette buried him, calling him a cheat and conniver and the man responsible for all the people having to watch "five weeks of crappy television".  WHOO!  He said once he found out he went to all the affiliates and sponsors and explained the situation, and as of right now, he was back in charge of the company.  He thanked Al Snow for sitting in for him on commentary, Dean Hill for doing the best job of commentary he'd done in ten years, and all the fans for understanding.  Therefore, there was only one thing left to do.  He said he refused to leave until Bolin got his fat ass out there.  Bolin finally came out hiding behind Miss Blue, which would have been hard except for the fact that her breasts are gargantuan.  Cornette demanded an explanation.  Bolin said he got it all wrong.  "IT WAS TOMMY DREAMER!" he screamed.  Ok, I made that up.  What he actually said was that he was going to prove to him what a friend he really was.  He said he didn't want Cornette's job, he just wanted to be his assistant, the guy who helped him with the little things, the little inconsistencies that came up every once in a while.  "The job was getting to you Jimmy, you couldn't take it anymore!"  He said Cornette needed the time off so he didn't die.  "I have saved your life and you don't even realize it!"  Cornette said the bottom line was that Bolin had tried to embarrass him in his hometown and failed.  Out of the kindness of his heart, he was going to give him a chance to embarrass him just like he'd wanted.  Because at the next Six Flags, it would be Bolin's team versus Cornette's team in a Loser Has to Kiss the Winner's Feet match.  Cornette built this up so well that I would pay $34.95 for it.  He then punched out Bolin with a great right hand, teased punching Miss Blue, but then kissed her instead.  This was ONE GREAT PROMO.  The only thing I didn't like about it – and I mean the ONLY thing, as this was the best promo I have heard all year long – is that I was afraid Cornette might actually have an aneurism he was so worked up.

    Chris Cade vs. Tank Toland and CHAD~!  This wasn't a three-way, but rather Cade's task was to beat both men one at a time.  A bunch of referees came out before the match and ejected Melissa Coates and Jillian Hall, which was for the better.  Chad went first.  Very basic match.  Finish saw Chad bonk heads with Tank on the apron, then Cage rolled him up for the pin.  Tank was in next.  Cornette noted that the little troll Chad had broken up the team of Tank and Cage months and months and months ago, and this was the first time the two had ever been in the ring in a singles match.  The crowd clearly didn't know this because they died halfway through.  Ken Anderson ended up running down and shoving Cage off the top, then Tank hit the TANK TURRETT~! for the pin.  The best part of this match by far was Tank's hair, which puffs up to phenomenal proportions during his matches.  Tank, Chad and Anderson destroyed Cage until security and a bunch of nameless wrestlers made the save.  "JESUS CHRIST!" Dean screamed, twice in succession.  Bad guys beat up the security and nameless wrestlers.  Thrillseekers finally cleared the ring with a kendo stick.  Cornette wondered what Anderson had in common with the Blonde Bombers.  Well, this same question was asked about Jillian Hall, and it's the same answer – he's blonde.  

  After commercial, Cornette said he was suspending Ken Anderson for the attack.  Cage said no, he didn't want him suspended, he wanted the Bombers and Anderson vs. himself and the Dudleys at Six Flags.  Well, he sure left the Thrillseekers in the dust.  What an unappreciative prick.

    Yes, the Dudleys are coming back, with Cornette there.

    Cornette was in the ring after commercial with two fire fighters plugging the annual Crusade for Children Fund, which raised almost $200,000 this year.  A segment like this would fail on any other wrestling show probably in the world, but here in OVW the fans popped for the Crusade like they pop when a WWE superstar babyface makes a surprise appearance.  This is another reason I love Ohio Valley.  Cornette asked the firemen to please stay in the ring while he interviewed Aaron Stevens.  Beth Phoenix came out and proceeded to immediately slip while climbing the ropes.  Cornette said he'd been watching the last five weeks of TV and had decided to sign Idol vs. Inferno for Six Flags, and this time, it would be no-time-limit, no-DQ and anything goes.  Idol threw a fit.  Cornette said that wasn't all.  In addition, surrounding the ring would be the fireman, who would, I guess, shoot him or spray him with the fire hose if he tried to flee.  Also, to keep an eye on Beth Phoenix would be Synn.  "Can we get to Louisville in 18 hours?" I asked Vince.  "Driving!?  No."  Well, clearly I love OVW more than he does.

    Thrillseekers vs. Osama & Da Beast.  I am not making this second team up, or the fact that this was the TV main event.  Beast's gyno is out of control.  For those of you wondering just how bad, say, Marty Wright is, he's not on TV and Da Beast and Osama are.  I should note that Johnny Jeter was not wrestling while wearing an eye patch this week.   "This is the worst team of the year," Vince said.  Um, yeah.  Beast and Osama are terrible on a Homeric scale.  Cornette said they were almost out of time but would stay with the match as long as necessary.  Unfortunately, it had already been way too long.  Cappotelli made a comeback and the ref took a bump.  Beast went for a suplex but Matt rolled him up.  With no ref, Maurice Green hit the ring.  He counted a pin, but as Matt was celebrating, Mo threw knux to Beast.  Matt turned around, got clonked, the ref woke up and it was all over.  Yes, Mo Green's new team is Osama and Da Beast.  Well, he does have an eye for terrible workers.  A so-so show, but Cornette's promo made it worth going out of your way to see.