Al Judges Divas Undressed

Divas Undressed

Writen by Indigo

The show opened with shots of the 'Divas' arriving at 'The World' in limousines..I note that for some reason, Linda is booed. Just not enough silicone for the masses, I guess. It would seem that our hosts are Jerry 'The King' Lawler and Michael Cole.

They announce the program with an outside shot of the Club, with Molly Holly right there in front, picketing..A short glitch in videotape later, and The Coach is on the stage, dressed to the nines and warming up the crowd. Said crowd is shown briefly; screaming and yelling--you can cut the testosterone with a knife..

The judges are then introduced, and are as follows: Maven, Paul Heyman (who I read stole the show during taping), 'one of the most recognizable judges of talent that this planet has to offer'--'on loan from 'Tough Enough 3'--'the one and only'--our man, Al (it must be noted here that the only women to be seen so far in the audience are standing behind him, hahah---and that there is one guy giving him a 'thumb's down'--disgruntled 'T.E. 3' hopeful? Jealous boyfriend? Guess we'll never know...)

Jazz (Who aint havin' none of it), and Edge. Coach cuts to MC and Lawler, who amid King's blather, tell us that there are to be three catagories of 'competition'--are you ready---a) Teddy, b) Bra and Panties, and c) the ever-popular 'Fantasy Free-For-All'..Seriously. King then tells us that he has set up a hidden camera in the dressing room dubbing it, 'King TV'..shrieking in his famous falsetto, 'Nekkid Wimmen! Nekkid Wimmen!', whipping up the crowd some more. They then cut to him 'setting it up' to the audience's delight; MC asks him what is wrong with him..

On to the 'Teddies' competition..First up is Stacy Keibler (wearing not a teddy, but a 'baby doll' nightie), followed by Linda (in a man's button down shirt over a black bathing suit thing and these lace-up Roman sandals-'shaking it' a little too hard--doesn't suit ya, babe); Dawn Marie (in another 'baby doll', with Heyman snapping pictures); Torrie (in a white lace 'baby doll'); 'The tawdry' Nydia (smacking her gum and faking a stumble or two in a floral corset); Teri (trying WAY too hard, as usual; in a leopardskin ensemble); Jackie (in garters and a corset); and Trish (in her trademark trenchcoat and cowboy hat--that she puts on Al's head--to the crowd's approval..). At this point, Jazz jumps onstage and clocks her with a crutch, solifying herself firmly as a heel, and putting Trish out of the rest of the competition..Cut to commercial.

When they return, all that is explained, and they show (presumably on King's 'Perv Cam') Jackie and Stacy laughing at Trish and arguing..(*sigh* How predictable..) Rico (in all his tiger-striped glory) intervenes, telling them to 'stay focused' and chiding Stacy for 'swaying' when she should be 'sashaying'..uh huh. He then tells Jackie that since she spent all that money on her front side--show them the 'money, honey'..She is not happy with that and stalks off, while he receives a call; and tells whomever to 'keep her panties on', that his name is Rico, NOT David Copperfield..and that there is only so much magic he can perform...Good Lord.

They then go on to talk to the judges, yadda, yadda...He arrives at Al, calling him the 'Judge of judges', and 'Father Figure', commenting on how popular he is with the audience (they are chanting 'We want HEAD!'). He is asked if it is difficult to watch his proteges (his 'kids') prancing around in lingerie, and Al replies that, 'Well, Coach, I AM a professionally trained judge of talent. And, I have be honest; it is difficult, but I'm alright, I'll be able to get through it, as (he belched or something, holding his chest) long as my good buddy, 'Big' doesn't come out here prancing around in a thong and as bra..' (Oh. It wasn't a belch, it was a retching gesture, as he repeats it, shuddering for effect..) Coach heartedly agrees, and moves on. Paul Heyman (to a chorus of 'E-C-DUB' chants) babbles something that is bleeped..There is another shot of Torrie dressing, and that takes us to another commercial break.

After the break, Molly is again shown picketing, and King protests her protesting..Then there is a shot of 'Perv TV', with a hinted-at topless Dawn Marie, who is blocked by Rico...Then it is on to the highly skilled 'Bra and Panties' competition...Torrie is first, in aqua--with a reaction from Maven; then, 'Mallory'--no, that's Nydia, in pink and black; then, Linda, in white; then, Stacy in red; Jackie, in denim shorts and lavender..who does a striptease; Dawn Marie, in red; (groan) Terri, in white with a chair (Al is shown fanning himself)---and, surprise! It's my personal pick, Mae Young! She pulls out her falsies and throws them at the judges--Al ducks--then it's on to more commercials---and the 'Break Dancing Snapples' are a tremendous relief.

Back again, King has a few choice words, then shows more 'Perv TV'---Linda, Nydia and Teri are shown dissing Rico, and engaging in faux-sapphic teasing for the camera..(Remember guys: ALL women are really like this in private! Really!)..then 'busting' Lawler and his cheesy 'Perv Cam', and cheering on Mae, who they apparently send out to punish him. Mae Young is then shown attacking him until Moolah arrives to haul her off--via the sirensong of an Open Bar..

MC then puts over Moolah's upcoming autobiography, due out in August. More talk with the judges, until Molly crashes the party in a white satin long-sleeved pegnoir set with angel's wings attached..Coach tries to get her to leave, but she refuses; again pushing the (oh, so sad) 'Big Butt' gimmick, saying that she is only 'big-boned'..Oh, Molly...'Security' hauls her offstage. Which brings us to Rico, who watches with obvious distaste..then tells the 'Divas' that the 'Fantasy Free-For-All' is next--and to remember that it is a catwalk, not a Freeway Off-Ramp..He then camps it up, telling them, 'Let's make Rico proud!' More commercials.

When they return, more blah-de-blah from MC and King, bringing us to 'Round Three'...First up is Nydia, as the oh, so tacky,'Farmer's Daughter'; then, Rico is shown exclaiming that she is 'still not doing it right', and that he has to do it himself..Oh, here we go...Didn't see THAT coming...Next up is Torrie, with a lollypop and ponytails, promoting child porn or something; then there is Linda, done up as a Dominatrix in black patent leather, complete with riding crop; then we have Teri in some sort of electric bulb trimmed string bikini; Dawn Marie in pink sequinned chaps; Jackie as a lavender belly dancer--she puts her veil on Edge, and Al fakes being shocked; Child Porn again receives a hefty push as Stacy comes out in a 'Schoolgirl' get-up, with notebook and pigtails..and that is all I am gonna say about that.

Al looks confused as Rico's music hits, and he comes out in drag--looking like the world's ugliest showgirl in a huge feathered headdress and tigerskin robe--which he strips off to reveal a thong and enormous stuffed bra..Al backs away in feigned horror, as we go to commercial.

When they return, Moolah and Mae are in the bar, Moolah is chewing out Mae for embarrassing her. Then, it is back to the stage--where all the 'contestants' are lined up for the final verdict...And the winner is..Torrie..who sticks her lollypop to Dawn Marie's exposed chest---Her victory then prompts Coach to talk to Stacy, who says that 'everyone here' knows that she should have won, blah, blah, Torrie is dating a judge, blah, blah...shoving Nydia and telling her to 'get out of her camera space'..Torrie responds by getting in her face and then slapping her, blah, blah...naturally spurring your standard catfight ending..with King singing along...and it's over.

Fade to black.