A Tough Enough Spoof

Tough Enough Spoof

Tough Enough Indeed!

By Richard Berger

Recently, the WWF announced it would be entering the weekly half-hour TV sweepstakes. The Associated Press gave us the details in the following news release:

STAMFORD, Conn. (AP) - The World Wrestling Federation took a knockout punch with the demise of its XFL football league, but it's getting off the mat with a new reality television show. "WWF Tough Enough," a half-hour program co-produced by Stamford-based WWF and MTV, lets 13 would-be wrestling superstars fight it out in a home for 13 weeks, The Advocate of Stamford reported Wednesday. The show premieres June 21 on MTV. The two left standing - one man and one woman - will be signed on to wrestle for the WWF. "They all moved into a house, they're living together, training together and they are competing for World Wrestling Federation contracts," said WWF spokesman Jayson Bernstein. Two hundred semifinalists jumped into the ring at WWF New York in Times Square in the winter to audition, he said, but only eight men and five women were picked.

It's hard to resist the temptation to speculate on the results of the final program. Join us as we take a look at the 13th episode, wherein a winner among the men is to be determined:


Kevin: Hi, wrestling fans! Kevin Kelly here along with Tazz to bring you all the thrills and excitement of more WWF body-slamming action!

Tazz: That's right, Kevin. Today, we're down to the final four male contestants in the WWF Tough Enough competition, and it should be wild!

Kevin: Before we stick our noses into this wrestling House of Horrors, let's review last week's results. As you may remember, Monkey Boy was the last contestant to advance when he dropped effortlessly from the chandelier hanging above the head of an unsuspecting Dr. Attitude. Of course, it didn't hurt Monkey Boy's chances when he was given a big assist by his buddy, Preparation H!

(Film footage shows Monkey Boy dropping off the chandelier and landing on top of Dr. Attitude, who is being held down on a table by Preparation H. The table shatters and the two crash through to the floor. In the background, we can hear the distant sound of fans chanting "Tay-bulls! Tay-bulls! Tay-bulls!")

Tazz: Woah! He got him good. That reminds me of the sort of thing I once did when I was a wrestler. But, it's been so long now that I don't even know what a top-wristlock is anymore. Lucky for you, Kelly. I've been itching to get my paws on you and your fat face for some 12 weeks now. I just wish I could remember how to do a suplex. Damn.

Kevin: Every moment with you is a sheer delight Tazz. Well, from the sounds of things, I think the four remaining survivors are ready to go at it. Let's take a look in the house and see what's going on.

Tazz: Hey! Did you just insult me?

Kevin: Never.

(We now enter the house. Instead of the anticipated feral action taking place between the four wrestling wanna-be's, we see all of them laying on the floor, bleeding from their respective heads).

Kevin: What's going on? There's Monkey Boy, Preparation H, Mr. Softy, and Michael Cole, all knocked out! For the love of God! What the hell happened?

(Note: Michael Cole had become tired of being pushed around by the boys during the course of every interview he ever conducted. Thus, he decided to enter the competition to gain the respect of the wrestlers and to prove he could take the tough going. He managed to advance to the Final Four by pulling the old "Grandfather Clock Swerve," as taught to him by the late Vic Christy. This consisted of spending each day hiding inside the antique Grandfather clock located near the front door of the house and yelling "Wait a minute!" at the top of his lungs every hour in order to fake everybody out. It worked).

Tazz: Something fishy's going on, Kevin. Everybody is down for the count. Just like I used to do to all of my opponents in the ring. Of course, that was someplace else, I think. I wish I could remember more...

Kevin: You're doing just fine, Tazz. Keep taking that special medication and I promise you that some day it will all come back in one horrific psychedelic rush.

Tazz: I sure do hope so. I keep getting the feeling that I'm in the wrong place and I should be somewhere else.

Kevin: We all feel that way about you, Tazz. Fans, we'll be right back after an important word about this month's not-to-be-missed WWF PPV, Excrement City Showdown!

Commercial: Loud, noisy generic pseudo-punk music witih no discernable melody or rhythm blares like a madman's dirge in double time. Scenes of famous WWF wrestlers hitting, kicking and punching one another flashes and oscillates in the fashion of an out-of-control strobe light. Finally, Paul Heyman's voice can be heard, saying "Buy Excrement City Showdown or Die" in a flat monotone. He repeats this over and over in a strangely hypnotic way, almost like a mantra. Near the end, those of us who pay especially close attention can hear Mother Heyman in the background shouting, "Paulie! Stop that racket and come upstairs for dinner!"

Kevin: Now, back to the action. When we last looked inside the house, all four remaining contestants had been attacked and rendered unconscious. Let's see what's going on...

Tazz: Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life?

(As the handheld cameras wander around the semi-darkened house, we can see that the four bloodied bodies on the floor have not moved. Finally, from the hallway, some familiar figures begin to emerge from the shadows. Surprise! It's Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Triple-H and Stephanie McMahon! Sure enough, Steph's "husband" is holding a sledgehammer that is dripping with blood and brain matter).

Steph: (Pointing at the lifeless bodies) Eeeee! You got them good! (She awkwardly strikes Sexy Pose #26, wherein she shifts her weight slightly forward, places her left hand on her hip and turns her head to the side. She tries for the umpteenth time to adopt an evil look by pursing her lips, but only manages to appear as if she is experiencing a nasty case of aggravated jock itch).

HHH: Yeah! That'll teach those sissy-boys not to stick their nose in our business-uh.

Austin: You got that right, you sumbitch. You wanna play with the big boys, you gotta pay the price. Hey, let's go get us a beer!

Rock: I never thought I'd be teaming up with you guys for any reason at all (raises eyebrow as the camera zooms in and pulls back just as quickly). But when a bunch of roody-poo candy-ass jabronies try to worm their way into a profession they know nothing about, then they get what they deserve!

Austin: Kinda like what you did when you broke into the movies, eh, Rock?

Rock: Exactly! Huh? What?

Austin: Aw, forget it, Mummy-breath. Okay, what's next?

HHH: I guess that's it. Show's over. No more contestants-uh.

Steph: (pouting) I have to pee.

HHH: Good point, honey. (To the camera:) Well, let this be a lesson to anyone else who thinks they want to be a pro wrestler-uh. If you try to become a part of The Game-uh, you'd better know what to do when it comes to company politics-uh. Kiss the right ass, do whatever you're told to do no matter how humiliating-uh it may be and don't expect to advance without our say-so. Uh. All in unison: Yeah!

Austin: Where's the damn beer?

HHH: Uh.

Kevin: Well, that about wraps it up for WWF Tough Enough. Since no one won the competition, I'm sure we'll be doing a second series before long. Of course, now that this has been aired, I can't imagine anyone willing to sign up for it.

Tazz: I'll do it!

Kevin: Good idea! This has been your host, Kevin Kelly, along with Tazz, calling all the action. Be sure to join Good Ol' J.R. and Paul Heyman next Wednesday night for their new UPN show, What's That Smell? Special guest will be Jerry "Dethroned King" Lawler, who will be fired before the end of the broadcast.

Tazz: I'll fire him!

Kevin: (Putting microphone down) I've had just about enough of this. (Suplexes Tazz through the announcer's table and leaves him laying. Tiny pink and green birds can be seen flying in a small, tight circle around Tazz's unconscious form).

Kevin: I've got just one word to say about this: Great show!

Fade out.